Amateur Transplants Blog

Growing Up

2008-04-12T14:05:00.004+01:00

Well guys,

after two years & over two hundred posts,
I'm sad to say that this blog is closing.

But... before you commit hara-kiri,

let me explain that it is because
Adam & I are writing a NEW realtime blog on our brand-new website.

So thank you for being such ~~rabid~~ avid readers over the years
- copy your bookmarks across and continue reading at

http://fitnesstoblog.blogspot.com/

Love Suman

Thank You

2008-04-11T00:06:00.003+01:00

The Anaesthetist's Hymn has had more than 1 million views on youtube!

(and only one of those views was by me... maybe one person's watched it 999,999 times)

Anyway, to say thank you, have a new flashy flash website:

http://www.amateurtransplants.net/

Suman

PS there's even a new blog...

Gig: Amateur Transplants & Enemies

2008-04-03T16:13:00.015+01:00

Amateur Transplants are proud to announce a forthcoming gig:

"AMATEUR TRANSPLANTS
& ENEMIES"

It starts 7.30pm
on Monday 21st April at

The Bedford,

77 Bedford Hill,

Balham,

London SW12 9HD.

Tickets are limited to 200 and are only available online,

from http://wegottickets.com/event/29294

More info here on Facebook

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=13651556653

...so invite your friends (and your "friends"... 'cos you don't really know all of your Facebook buddies, do you?)

Pensionbook

2008-04-01T10:24:00.001+01:00

Faux Pas King

2008-03-28T09:11:00.007Z

I went to my car in the car park this morning... and it had been vandalised! But by some kind of surrealist!

They put a sticker on the windscreen... on the INSIDE!

And, goodness knows how or why, but they'd installed a baby-seat!

Shortly after that, I realised they'd also somehow moved the car a couple of spaces to the right and repainted it a very similar colour...

Ah....

Tat

2008-03-24T12:02:00.005Z

I've just found out a friend of mine has Chinese symbols tattooed on her lower back - I tried to guess what they might mean and came up with:

- "No entry"

- "Gullible tourist"

- "Sweet & Sour Pork"

- "If found, please return to..."

- "How's my walking? Call 0800 000 000"

- "If you can read this, one of us is upside down"

- "I went to Beijing & all I got was this lousy tattoo"

There are lots of awesome (geeky) tattoos on this site.

I don't think I've ever seen a brown person with a proper tattoo... maybe I should get one?

Sign o' the Times

2008-03-22T19:14:00.003Z

Yesterday a stranger came up to me and told me I was a Prince* lookalike.

* presumably the singer, as opposed to a member of the Royal family...

Bookface

2008-03-17T00:14:00.002Z

I've just discovered that there are now 1500 members of the Amateur Transplants Appreciation Society on Facebook!

Watch this space, there will be more Facebook news very soon...

Le Weekend

2008-03-16T22:21:00.006Z

"I know it's been a while since I have talked to you..."
- Oh God, Jamie Cullum*

I've had a heavy week - I've been back at work on the shop floor after two weeks of ~~relaxing~~ study leave and I'm knackered. Maybe it's being exposed to anaesthetic vapours again after several weeks away...

In any case, I've made up for it by having a truly efficient weekend:

FRIDAY:
When I got home after work, I was gonna start writing my Monday morning presentation then go to a party. But I was really tired and ended up in bed asleep by 10pm.

(Turns out if I'd gone to the party I would have caught up with five friends I haven't seen for over 4 years. Bugger.)

SATURDAY:
Before starting on the presentation, I had a bit of a play on the new computer. Magically, it suddenly became evening; I escorted a friend across town to her mate's birthday drinks in a pub. Scarily, the birthday boy was more like me than I am... We got on brilliantly, could predict what the other would say & do and ended up getting very confused. (I didn't get any presents though)

Afterwards I wandered back across town. I got impressively sodden by the rain considering that it was only drizzling (OK, I did get a little lost... I reckon London changes shape after a few drinks. I'm sure I crossed more than one river...)

And on the tube home, there was a signal problem & we were stuck underground not moving for over half an hour. In desperation, one bloke went round the carriage collecting empty bottles & then peed in them, much to the embarrassment of his poor girlfriend. Thank goodness we weren't in there longer or he'd probably have killed someone & eaten them.

I eventually turned up to my friend's house party at half one in the morning. Immediately I was ushered upstairs to where several people were tending to the hostess who had suffered a minor head injury. Soon as I arrived, everyone who had been looking after her vanished. It was just like being at work, the anaesthetist arriving in A&E... (sigh)

I spent my time at the party trying to work out why some people were wearing togas & others looked like they'd been in a big fight. My friend has complex fancy dress rules...

SUNDAY:
I beat my hangover into submission with steak. (It's the only thing it would listen to.)

Back home, I finally opened up Powerpoint...

...then of course I spent the afternoon watching Sesame Street songs on YouTube (eg James Blunt singing "My Triangle" & R.E.M. doing "Furry Happy Monsters" (genuinely cringeworthy); but you have got to watch Stevie Wonder's version of Superstition on Sesame Street... it's excellent!)

It was getting dark when I eventually started writing the presentation.
I did the title page.
I found a few funny pictures to put in it.

And then I went to church. Obvously.

My old uni were having their Easter concert and a few of my old friends were going. So while the fresh faces were performing their little hearts out, we veterans were sitting at the back thinking - ooh, it were better in our day...
The second half finished with music from Last Night of the Proms. And like the Last Night, there were drunks at the back singing along very loudly.
(I apologise to any blog-readers who were in that audience.)
Having said that, eight of us outsang an entire choir. Bring it on.

Which takes us to now, late Sunday night.
I have finally got round to posting on my blog. I will post again soon.

But first, I've just got to write this presentation...

-S-

* "Oh God" is the name of a great Jamie Cullum song.
Admittedly, Oh God, Jamie Cullum is also some peoples' reaction...

mmm... Grapes

2008-03-07T01:33:00.002Z

So I wanted to write something hilarious today about the lectures I've been to on my revision course & about taking the Tube every day and being a student again... but I'm too drunk. Sorry.
Normal service will resume soon.
-S-

The Blind Assassin

2008-03-02T22:16:00.005Z

I've played a few games of poker recently. And I've been doing bloody well.

That's because I have a special gift that none of the other guys I'm playing against have.

I'm rubbish.

If you'll pardon the card-game-related pun, I'm crap.

I genuinely do not know what I'm doing. I have almost no clue what's going on. Obviously I have some idea - I know a pair is good; and three of the same is better. But now we're pretty much at the limit of my knowledge already.

Therefore I'm not encumbered* by being able to calculate that the cards that I've been dealt give me, say, a 17% chance of making a straight or that I have odds of 1-in-however many of making a full house.

I'm having a GREAT time!

I've played half a dozen games against people who would call themselves "Poker Players". (Think about it - you can probably play football... but you're unlikely to call yourself a "Footballer" unless you're of a certain standard)

But every single time, I've wiped nearly all of them out.

They've even nicknamed me "The Assassin". And they're properly scared.

And so they should be. An analogy is how you would feel if you handed a monkey a loaded gun. The monkey doesn't know what it's doing, but it could still quite easily kill you.

I think part of the problem is that I'm not really in it for the cards. I like to sit there piling my chips up neatly according to colour in nice piles or 8 or 10.

Maybe I have an element of autism.

The pressure can get quite heavy. These guys take their poker very seriously. They are really good. They tend to find it off-putting, waiting for me to do something with my cards when I'm giggling like a small child distracted by playing with the stacks & stacks of chips in front of me. One guy keeps losing to me solely because he's really stressed about losing to me again.

I'm not quite sure how I do so well. My naivety of what's good & what's bad certainly help me along no end. But there must be a massive element of luck. There just has to be. I could do with channelling that luck elsewhere in my life...

I've been up against some very good players. They can be seriously intimidating & there are times when I really don't want to play 'cos of the glares I'm getting. It can all get so much that sometimes I just play whatever my cards are just to get the other guy off my case. But then I go & win & he gets more wound up.

I usually play with a friend of mine who is properly poker-mad - I'm convinced he will give his first-born a name like Jack or Ace. He gets a little upset when I knock him out (usually by accident) - and then later on in the game, if I play a hand at random, and the other players are saying something like "interesting, good call" or whatever, he's jumping up and down going "No! No! He doesn't know what he's doing!".

But it's a good thing we don't play for money. I never win. Last week there were 33 of us playing; it ended up with just me versus one other guy on the top table head to head, hundreds of chips piled up in front of each of us. I tried to build a small fortress. Four hands later, all the chips were in front of him. Ho hum.

Funny thing is though when I played at New Year against some school friends - who are as bad as I am - I lost every time, very very quickly. Ironic

Or perhaps not. Maybe we're all monkeys with guns...

*If you're wondering where you've heard the word "encumber" before, it's in the lyrics to "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother".

You're welcome.

Oh what a job it is....

2008-02-26T08:08:00.004Z

So there's this big lump of land over to the west of Ireland... and the rules say that you can't have the same idiot in charge of it for more than 8 years so now the people who live there have to pick someone new to start all the wars. The newspaper people are very happy because they won't have to try hard all year to get any news stories.

There are two main teams, and there are lots of games to play to see who will be the leader of each team.
One side are being very brave because they want to pick someone who's a bit different to all the other leaders before; they are going to choose between a man who's daddy is from Kenya and woman who's husband used to be leader. So really it's kind of a competition to see whether the country is more racist or sexist.

Both of the people who want to be in charge of the team travel around the country and talk a lot. Meanwhile the newspaper, telly & internet people try & make the whole thing more exciting by finding old pictures & stories and by pretending they said or did stuff that they didn't.

The other teams are boring. But the leader of the other big team will probably win overall because everyone will be fed up by the time they have to choose. Or too confused.

Anyway, that's the backstory.

There's a big news website over there that was trying to explain the whole thing a few weeks ago... and must've got bored because by the end of the article they were talking about Amateur Transplants!!

Here's what they wrote.

Maybe we should start a petition going...

Bear

2008-02-23T14:35:00.003Z

There aren't any more tickets left for the Leeds Ball next week.
(In a good way I presume.)

The next few gigs will be advertised when I have the details.

Not before.

It's awfully nice of people contacting me & asking about gigs, but I can't say anything for sure until the details are finalised, so there's no point; but when gigs are properly confirmed then I'll put all the details up here for everyone to know about.

eg. I don't have any more details about the Leeds gig in May; in future I won't mention a gig until tickets are on sale...

On to other news...

It was bloody man-flu.

The feeling-like-death (sorry if I've gone too medical for you) settled after 5 days and now all I have is an annoying loud cough. And a lot of partially deaf colleagues.
I spent most of the week wearing disposable surgical masks. And trying to moonwalk.

I'm going to fiddle round with the websites for a bit so bear with me...

-S-

Leeds The Way

2008-02-18T01:21:00.006Z

Our next public performance will be at the Leeds Medics Spring Ball on March 1st 2008.

It's open to everyone (but obviously Leeds Medics primarily). Tickets are £45 and include a champagne reception, 3-course meal and lots of various entertainment.

And Amateur Transplants. Email Lucy for more details & tickets.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We're doing an entirely separate gig, but also in Leeds, on May 2nd.

So that's two opportunities for you Northern birds to come by and try to prove me wrong.

By which I mean prove me right
(hopefully)

High Hopes (& Aspirations)

2008-02-14T22:11:00.002Z

I'm ill.

But no-one seems to believe me.

I started coughing suddenly on Sunday afternoon & haven't stopped. I think I accidentally inhaled something minor, and that triggered off a chest infection. Since then I've been feeling a bit rough, coughing up gunk, I've been running a decent fever & my pulse is a fair bit higher than normal.

Man-flu, everyone tells me.

(Apart from one medical registrar friend who wants me to have a large number of tests... but I don't think my chest sounds abnormal enough to warrant an x-ray, and while I'm happy to stick all kinds of needles into all kinds of places in other people, if I can help it I'll avoid having a "sharp scratch" (ie. metal spike) myself, thank you very much - although a benefit of having tests at work is that they would be processed more quickly than at the GP and I could interpret the results myself... in fact, I could probably put them on here for you medics to have a look through...
Although needles... meh...)

Anyway, I wasn't feeling brilliant, but held it together enough to perform safely at work (I wore a mask whenever I was near anyone, etc, etc.) rather than just sit at home coughing and leave the department depleted.
But rather than drive home between shifts (an hour each way), I thought it'd be better to try & get hold of a spare on-call room & sleep over at work.

So I rang up.

They wanted to charge me £70.

Seventy quid! There are hotels nearby that would charge less than that. And they'd give you complimentary tea & coffee. And a telly.

And a trouser-press.

So, bollocks to that idea.

When I was chatting to some of the doctors working overnight, one told me he never got to bed, his night shift was without exception always too busy - and if it did get quiet, the rooms were too far away; instead he would sit somewhere within the hospital in case of emergencies. So he gave me the key to his unused on-call room.

The room was clean; but I want to tell you about the en suite bathroom... it was the size of a phone booth! One side contained a toilet and sink; and on the other side of a shower curtain was a shower head (the water emptying into a drain hole in the tiled floor).

This shower was bizarre. Invisible water came out of it. I don't know if it was especially designed by NHS engineers or whether it was just faulty... but even on full volume, the spray was ultra fine. It was like a mist - the water was just... there.

The water pressure was immense and I soon learnt that there was a major time delay with adjusting the water temperature too (so I'm guessing... probably faulty then). I thought the temperature had settled when I got in, but a minute later, I suddenly felt a searing pain like my back was being pierced with fine needles... this was the high pressure water jets finally reaching boiling hot temperatures.

Still, I was rested & clean and in a better state to work than I would have been had I tried to drive home & back too.

Thankfully I had today off.

As a break from tradition, this year I've spent most of Valentine's Day coughing...

Melancholy

2008-02-09T00:35:00.000Z

Almost a lifetime ago...
... I was trying to make sense of friendly shapes that turned out to be called "Mum" and "Dad"

Half a lifetime ago...
... I was doing exams (at school)

A decade ago...
... I was doing more exams (at Medical School)

Half a decade ago...
... I was a qualified House ~~Plant~~ Officer, examining patients of my own

A year ago...
... I was in love

Half a year ago...
... I was in also love... (but with somebody different)

A month ago...
... I was preparing to go to Toronto

Half a month ago...
... I was already back...

A week ago...
... I was having a great night out, surrounded by mostly older people and really loving the music

Half a week ago...
... I was having a great night out, surrounded by mostly younger people who were really loving my music!

A day ago...
... I went to sleep worried sick about being the most senior on-call anaesthetist in the hospital

Half a day ago...
... I put someone sick to sleep (being the most senior on-call anaesthetist in the hospital)

An hour ago...
... I left work a second time, after going back with take-aways for my hard-working friends on-call overnight

Half an hour ago...
... I thought I'd post something simple before I went to bed!

'Night

Giggles

2008-02-06T10:43:00.000Z

We performed a gig in Warwick yesterday... my God, it was the best time we've had in ages!

It started off with a road trip. We picked up Mike, a mate of ours who does stand-up (and, of course, is another doctor), who was going to warm-up the audience for us... hmm... we'll get to that later.

It was a bit of an uncomfortable drive getting there from London - Adam's car is not being designed to fit more than one person.

I folded myself up across the back "seats" and slept for most of the journey (I'd just done a night shift) and left the navigation to the psychic satnav (which had shown me up earlier by somehow knowing that the shortcut I'd suggested would be blocked by a van. Bastard).

The Warwick Uni campus is massive. We eventually found where we were playing in the student union, where lots of techie guys (and one girl) were preparing the stage, sound & lights. The venue was called The Cooler, and had a reasonable-sized stage, massive speakers and a bar at the back. And was freezing.

Adam & I did a bit of warming-up (no pun intended) & prepared our props (oh yes, that bin wasn't there by coincidence... ). Then we went and had dinner with the rest of the crew. Within minutes, we'd managed to offend everyone at the table.

We were ready.

When we came down from dinner, the venue had started to fill up. There were security guards & even first-aid people (which was handy 'cos it'd have been a shame to have to interrupt the show to do some work!)

We were performing as part of a project to raise money for the Prince's Trust charity and the show had been well-advertised - there were probably already 250 people by the time Mike came on and they kept coming.

Mike's intro was filthy. But he's so well-spoken you can't help but forgive him. Even when talking about his penis. Continuously.

To me he looks like a certain character from the Harry Potter films...

By the end of it, the audience were pretty ready for some real comedy (only kidding Mike!). Mike got them to practice their booing. Seriously. Of all the noises you can get the audience to make, he wanted to make sure the booing was the clearest. Bastard.

(But it was better than some of the intro's he's done for us in the past - "Please welcome... a fat, vegetarian Jew... and an Asian")

Anyway, we came on & opened with something a bit different and did the 1st set. Highlights included my spectacular recorder playing, much use of the c-word, the Anaesthetist's Hymn and Adam once again ensuring I never get a girlfriend... by pretending that he & I are a couple. Bastard.

I also made the mistake of trying to eat a whole apple during one of Adam's songs which was shorter than anticipated. Nearly choked.

I went mingling during the interval, which was bizarre. Met a few people who read the blog - some of them even wished me a happy birthday!
Aw... you guys!*

It was also quite amusing that, despite being on stage in front of them for the best part of an hour, some people didn't recognise me! Others did a double-take when Mike came on to bring us back on again after the interval and I was still standing next to them at the back (I like to leave it as late as possible!)

Our second set went really well too. We tried quite a few new songs, all of
which went well. I also accidentally emptied a bin over a poor girl at the front, and Adam nearly killed someone with a coathanger (you had to be there).
It was amazing to see so many people joining in with lyrics we've written! I feel like I've achieved something in life (though what that achievement is, I'm not quite sure.)

After we'd finished the show, lots of people came to the stage to say hello/ask for autographs/money. It was really nice to meet you.
(well, most of you - one girl had a go at me for being offensive - fair enough, but this was the 3rd time she'd come to see us! she had a go at me the other times too... I reckon she fancies me...)

I also met these two lovely people who travelled all the way from Manchester just for the gig - I LOVE the t-shirts. (Incidentally Adam & I already have some designs for official Amateur Transplants merchandise in the pipeline when the next album is ready...)

Only managed to hang around in the bar briefly, mainly trying to talk to nice, shy people (while being accosted by embarrassingly drunk ones!) but sadly we had to leave and start the long journey home.

The drive back was... tricky. The ever-reliable satnav refused to accept that the A45 was closed and kept trying to get us back onto it. I kept dozing off, only to jerk awake suddenly, convinced that Adam had also fallen asleep and we were about to crash.

But we didn't. And Adam managed to drop me home in one, terrified, piece.

And so, the end to a great evening. Thank you to those of you who came to see us. Hope you were suitably amused and offended. (If not, get over it, it's for fucking charity.)

If anyone has any good photos of last night's gig, please let me know!

Right, I think the next gig might be up North... uh oh...

*Yes, I did pull out a camera & take photos of the audience during the show.
No, I have no shame.

Piss up in a...

2008-02-02T11:24:00.000Z

Went for birthday drinks last night - I'd contacted loads of friends saying to meet from 7pm at a particular bar that I'd liked when I went there a few weeks ago.

Despite some problems with the buses (no, I'm not going to write a song about it), luckily I was the first to arrive. Unluckily, the bar had closed down since I was last there.

(Actually, when I rang them to check if they were definitely open, the phone wouldn't connect - in retrospect, I could've taken this nugget of information a bit more seriously...)

The frustrating this is that this has happened to me before on my birthday a few years ago. You'd think I'd have learnt...

But there was a good place a few doors down so we went there. And ended up in a club with light up dance floors playing old-school cheese. I have an old-school hangover to match. Perfect.

It's my actual birthday tomorrow & we're going to my local pub for lunch.

Funnily enough, they're not picking up their phone either... but that's just cos pubs don't open in the morning, right...?

Beadle's About

2008-01-30T23:20:00.000Z

Not any more.

Charity Gig

2008-01-23T20:14:00.000Z

Amateur Transplants are doing a gig at Warwick University in aid of The Princes Trust on February 5th 2008!

Details here.

I'm going to it... why don't you come too?

Toronto Diary #1

2008-01-18T22:20:00.000Z

I went to Toronto in summer 2001 on my medical student elective and have wanted to go back ever since.

Finally I found a mate who wanted to come too & we booked. It was only after everything was sorted that I realised that, unlike last time, I was going in the height of winter. Canada's lovely in summer. But in winter it's fucking freezing.

Oh well, wrap up warm, stay indoors, it'll be great...

Another New Year's resolution this year was to go back to being my old, highly-organised self (having lapsed big-time over the last few years).

And so we fast forward to the night before the flight. Of course, I hadn't packed yet.

But it only took me a few minutes to load the case up (I knew where most of my travel stuff was post-African trip). I left out clothes to wear the next day, booked a cab, checked in online and went to bed.

4 hours later we were at the airport, ready to fly, 3 hours early, and wishing we'd got a couple of extra hours kip. Oh well.

On the plane there was a small creche of children around us taking it in turns to do shifts of crying, running around & being snotty. It was 8 hours of pure, migrainous joy...

The cab from Toronto Pearson Airport took us to our flash-looking hotel downtown and we checked in, tired & skanky, wearing hoodies & jeans.

The first thing I did, OK, second thing - first I switched on the TV; 64 channels, nothing good on. Though I saw on the news that a plane had to crash-land at Heathrow a few hours after we'd taken off. So then I had to ring home to say I'd flown safe otherwise my parents would assume the worst.
And throw away all my stuff.

Third thing I did was ring up a place I knew and booked a nice meal for our first night. It was lunchtime in Toronto but we'd been up for 14 hours eating only plane snacks, so dinner at 4.30pm was perfect.

I can't recommend The 360° Revolving Restaurant at the CN Tower highly enough.

More than 500 feet up in the world's tallest building, the restaurant rotates once every 72 minutes with the most spectacular view of all of Toronto. At sunset it's even better; you can watch the city light up as it gets dark.

And it's not expensive. It normally costs £12 each just to visit the viewing galleries - for less than £30 we had a 3-course meal and a better view as well.
Could've been a nice end to a fairly long day.

But then came the walk home.

On the way there, I was fine with just a shirt and jumper. But now it had started to snow. And my warm coat was where I had left it so that I could not possibly forget to bring it with me... by my front door... nearly 6000 miles away in London.

It was cold.
Bloody cold.
Bloodlessly cold in fact. I could not feel my fingers. Then I couldn't feel my nose. And when I couldn't feel a certain something else, I insisted we went into a shop!
I bought the warmest looking coat in the whole wide world ever. And I would've worn it for the whole of the snowy walk home but I was too hot.

In the hotel I slept really well but woke up every few hours, my confused body clock trying to deal with the new time zone.

This morning, my reliably inaccurate in-built sense of direction found us "Fran's diner", the amazing 24-hour place that I often frequented last time I was in Toronto after a night's clubbing.

I had corned beef hash, 2 eggs, homefries, toast, pancakes & a chocolate milkshake (um... the other New Year's resolution is on hold this week). Actually, I've only seen one fat Canadian so far, and it's possible that she could've been:
a) just carrying a grey armchair, or
b) American.

Anyway, I'm typing this on the coach to Niagara Falls, on my new phone (there will be blogs aplenty about the phone another time). It costs an absolute fortune for me to go online with it here - I even got a text from Orange in the UK telling me that, which, seeing as they usually want my money, surely can't be a good sign...

I'll probably type more & blog it next week when I get back*.
Enjoy the (relatively) warm weather wherever you are.
- Suman -

*unless I drop the phone into the Falls...

2ron2

2008-01-17T00:29:00.000Z

Going on a little holiday.
Back in a week.
See ya
-S-

PS. Could you please feed the cat? Ta...

New Year's Stories

2008-01-10T21:13:00.000Z

Now that Xmas & New Year are a distant memory for most people, I'd like to tell you about my New Year's "celebrations".

Turning down the offers of going clubbing with a couple of student nurses or to a house party in the centre of town, instead I went to a cottage in a sleepy village in Dorset, with friends I've known for more than a decade.

-There were no street lights for miles.
-I had no phone reception for 3 days.
-I drank practically no booze at all.
-There was no reason to get up in the morning.
-We sat around all day & played parlour games.
-There was no chance of a midnight snog on NYE.

And the sad thing is... I really enjoyed it!

It was really chilled, the company was great, relaxed; there was no stress - one guy did all the cooking, a range of celebrity chefs' recipes!

I had a really good time.

Bloody hell, I must be getting old...

For NYE we went to the pub (as in the only pub); the locals all looked a bit odd... but I suppose being from Civilisation, we all probably looked odd too.
We met a hippy mother who'd brought her baby along. To send it off to sleep, she held it upside-down by the feet and swung it gently from side to side; she was surprised it didn't go off to sleep as quickly as usual - I reckon it was because I moved the chair & table out of the way so she wouldn't bang its head...

For my New Year's resolution, I vowed to be healthier.

So for lunch on New Year's Day I had
-garlic bread
-a bowl of mussels
-a bowl of chips (the mussels' sauce is wasted otherwise)
-and, er... a roast lamb, roast potatoes & vegetables.

Oh well, I'll try again next year...

Better than my resolution a few years ago - I decided that I wouldn't swear unnecessarily any more.
Come midnight, the first thing I said was "Happy fucking New Year"...

One word. I only lasted one word...

Shopping

2008-01-04T16:54:00.000Z

It's my birthday in a month.

For those who like to be prepared when it comes to presents, please don't buy me this lovely Amateur Transplants DVD, or this fantastic Amateur Transplants CD (as I've already got one of each).

But feel free to buy several for yourself & all your family/mates/colleagues/fellow inmates, etc. They're really good.

The next CD is also in production... watch this space...

Religion

2007-12-30T10:21:00.001Z

Not wishing to open up a can of worms, here's a truly excellent piece by Marcus Brigstocke about Religion.

Claus-trophobia

2007-12-25T11:55:00.000Z

This morning, after opening the presents that Santa brought, we held an impromptu auction - my bro, my Dad & I ended up with several presents intended for one another.

Then there was a large "Rejected" pile in the middle of the room, including all the books Mum bought for my brother (I told you!) and most of the clothes they bought us (I explained years ago that I wasn't going to "grow into" clothes any more but Mum remains optimistic...)

Don't get me wrong, we are grateful. It's just that we accepted years ago that we're rubbish at buying things for each other.

We take a gamble on the presents we choose for one another, and if/when we get it wrong, we take the receipts and go shopping for the stuff we like - almost like a lottery ticket and gift certificate rolled into one.

Here's a song called Christmas In Africa.

Hope you're having fun
(although there's probably a reason you're online at this time...)
-S-

Christmas Bollocks

2007-12-24T22:48:00.000Z

So, seeing as everyone else is full of Christmas cheer and I'm currently really fed up with pretty much everything apart from Christmas, I was going to go on a major rant about having to work & exams & being single & getting older, etc...

But, rather annoyingly, I just had a bit of a moment and realised that they can all be good things & I shouldn't grumble.

I'm working nights tomorrow - but that means that at least I get to see my family tonight & spend some of Christmas Day with them, and we can still do the presents thing, have a nice lunch together, talk all the way through the Queen's Speech... and by the time we get to that part of the day when everyone's tetchy and overloaded on turkey, I can say "Sorry, gotta go, see you in a few days." (Actually, I might try this next year too, even if I'm not on-call...)

Everyone at work will be in the same situation too - it might even be quite fun.

Exams... well, I gotta do them I s'pose. Anyway, I kinda enjoy being a bit geeky sometimes. And I love teaching, so I might as well make sure I know it all perfectly before trying to pass on the knowledge and hitting a wall.

My plans for where & with whom I was originally going to spend Christmas were very, very different, but sadly that all fell apart a little while ago.
Hey ho... things change all the time. What can you do, eh?

And we're all getting older...
So what? It doesn't mean we have to grow up ;o)

Have a great Christmas you guys.

And if you think you're having a bit of a rubbish time, have a look around and appreciate what you do have. You never know how long you'll have it for.

Right, enough psychobollocks - here's the awesome Xmas song I posted last year.

I love you guys.

Have a good one
-Suman-

(Now get off the Internet and go spread the love!)

Christ! Mass hopping

2007-12-22T08:47:00.000Z

Xmas shopping, with a hangover, with my mum.
What I thinking...?

I genuinely like several Xmas songs - individually. But hearing them non-stop from October somehow isn't the same.

BTW, did you hear that in "Fairytale of New York" Radio 1 censored the words "slut" & "faggot"- for one day, until the complaints rolled in. And have you noticed that everyone's only playing the original Band Aid (Do they know it's Christmas) rather than the remake from a couple of years ago...?

In one shop yesterday they were playing dance remixes of old Xmas classics. We have a new Number One. I officially hate this style of Xmas music more than any other.

Anyway, I wasn't feeling too clever, and Mum was dragging me round looking for books for my brother.
He's notoriously difficult to buy for, being the intelligent one in the family (ie the one that doesn't work for the NHS).
Mum, on the other hand, tends to choose presents purely based on the colour & design of the cover, rather than, oh I don't know, the author or subject matter.
So as usual, I have to reject a huge number of books she suggests because they are, say, girly romantic novels, or for children. Or are utter bollocks.

After a while, she tells me I'm being "grumpy". And doesn't seem to notice that, the more times she calls me "grumpy", the more grumpy I get.

I got very grumpy.

Eventually, I stopped vetoing books - and now my brother's going to end up with stuff he doesn't want on Xmas morning and somehow I'll be to blame. Sod it, he'll love the present I got him, I spent ages choosing it and it cost a fortune!
Otherwise I'll murder him with it.

Shopping with Mum is usually difficult anyway. She is a more than a wee bit shorter than me (or almost anyone else in the world) but insists on holding my arm, so I have a constant stoop when I'm walking with her. And every now & then she vanishes like a small child; something shiny out of the way having caught her eye, she scurries off. So I end up like a distraught father trying to find a toddler in a crowded shop at Xmas.

Only worse, this toddler has a credit card and no taste.

Then again, shopping on my own is rubbish too sometimes:
- I always seem to look like I work there, whichever shop I'm in.

I don't know if this is a common phenomenon and that maybe everybody gets assumed to be an employee; I haven't conducted any kind of detailed survey yet. But this always happens to me, almost every time I go shopping. It's not the same as asking a passing fellow-shopper for a bit of help. That's fine. I'm usually very nice and will give someone a hand, especially if they're elderly and infirm.
Or if she's my age and attractive.

But I've checked. I'm not wearing a name badge that says "My name is Steve, I am paid to work here. How can I pretend to help you?"

Likewise I'm not wearing anything that could be mistake for uniform in that or any other shop.
(Schoolboy error - if you're Indian and eating in a curry house, don't wear a white shirt or people assume you work there.
I once took an entire table's order (including any bread or naan). Then I sat down and ate my dinner.)

But even if the staff in the shop wear shirts, ties & name badges, and I'm wearing a jumper, scarf & overcoat, people assume I work there. Why is this? Is it my face? Do I look too confident? Too grumpy?

I like to avoid shopping on purpose but buy things by accident. This is why I have racks of t-shirts I almost never wear (this is true sadly, as anyone who's ever visited my flat will testify; they even used to be in colour order, it's a bit OCD really, I probably should throw them all away... but they look so pretty there on their hangers...).
I've been trying for years to persuade any female friend to throw out 2/3 of my wardrobe and then take me shopping but no-one's ever risen to the challenge.

Then again, if you see how some of my friends dress, I look positively normal...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm working over Christmas, but I'm doing nights. That way, I have to work when everyone else in the world is off, but I still get time to argue with my family. Double whammy.

If I don't blog in the next few days, I hope you all have a fantastic winter holiday, spending it how you want, with the people you want to be with.

Take care
- Suman -

Bloody Hell It's Christmas!

2007-12-18T00:21:00.000Z

Just like that! It suddenly appeared out of nowhere...
No warning, no adverts, nothing... Not even a hint of it on the radio... crikey...

Perhaps I've been at work too much...
Today one of the silver cordless phones at the other end of the desk was ringing...
I walked over and answered the stapler...

Fitness 5:Alive

2007-12-08T13:48:00.000Z

Bumped into much-aforementioned fit colleague yesterday.

She said she thought that we should go round the park again...

... but this time while I cycled, she would jog!

Fitness 4:Life

2007-12-04T11:43:00.000Z

Well, I was expecting to write another post a few hours after my cycling spree (down AND uphill) saying that I was totally exhausted. That I'd got cramp in my fingers playing the piano that night, and got pain in muscles that I didn't even know I had.

But that didn't happen. The consequences of my foray into physical exercise are much worse.

I'm hungry.

For various reasons, for the last 3 months or so I've been off my food a bit.
Not starving, just not eating 3 meals a day when I only fancy brunch and a light dinner. I'd got a little bit podgy anyway so it was no bad thing...

But since going cycling (and remember, we're only talking one occasoin) it's like a switch has been turned on. I've been really really hungry.

Physiologically, it's understandable, you use up energy, your body wants to replace it. But, for example, I cooked a pasta dish large enough to last me at least 2 meals, and I ate the whole lot non-stop, standing up in the kitchen without even serving it out of the pan!

I have just been pigging. I even got up during dinner to get a drink and managed to eat several handfuls of peanuts before I'd sat back down again!

So either I have to find a way of limiting this hunger or, heaven forbid, start doing more exercise.

Life is so unfair... *

*irony

Fitness 3:Afterwards

2007-11-29T15:35:00.000Z

Cycled a 10k circuit around Richmond Park and, amazingly, I don't feel too bad at all.

I'm obviously not as unfit as I thought. Huzzah!
I feel great!

(more later)

Fitness 2:Practice

2007-11-29T10:02:00.000Z

I just took the bicycle for a test run.
I'm already exhausted.

This is no surprise of course. I have not gained any new information.

I just wanted to post on the blog using this title.

Fitness 1:Background

2007-11-28T12:17:00.000Z

HEALTH ALERT: I just got cramp. In one of my legs.

OK so it's not that big a deal, but I was just sitting still in a chair at the time.

I got cramp without even moving.

This is worrying to me because I've agreed to go cycling tomorrow. And I've only ridden a bike once this year. In fact, I've got quite unfit in the last few months.

And the person I'm cycling with is, I believe, a triathlete.

Fortunately, she knows CPR...

Rumbo Airwar

2007-11-19T09:55:00.000Z

Predictive text is a great invention, apart from a few basic flaws:

- People are idiots. They don't look at what they have written before pressing SEND. And sometimes, one combination of keypresses can lead to several different words.

For example - "rejected" and "selected". Using the wrong one does change the meaning a bit.

Others alternatives are just surreal:
"Smirnoff" = "poisoned"
"Newham" = "Mexico"
"Ask the cool barmaid for nine pints of beer" = "Ask the book carnage for mind shots of adds"
And be careful when mentioning your "dualing aunt"...

- The predictive text dictionary was written by an idiot.

It does contain words that you wouldn't expect to need that often, such as "conjunctivitis" and "infanticide" and the names of every African country (try it).

And yet it sometimes misses words which, I'm fairly sure, are real and in common usage. Like "Claire" (and "penguin").

- It guesses.

Sometimes it helpfully suggests words. Words which no-one in their right mind would try and use because they are not words.

The person whose job it was to program a bit of common sense into the dictionary was off sick that day. So it happily suggests "prioritishmi"and "landfe", because, of course, words are much more likely to end in "-hmi" and "-fe" than "-ing" or "-ed".

It seems to accept that something like "aworntytodelngoglo" is a real word. Likewise "poplilintinsllogekalsilalekokun".
Possibly useful words in Wales or the Himalayas.

Not in Putney.

- My phone has developed some kind of Alzheimers.

It insists that my name is Rumbo Airwar.
I teach it the correct spelling. Yet soon it has forgotten and I have to teach it again.

This happens with a lot of words - I have taught it "Anaesthetist", but after a short while, it refuses to remember it.
Luckily it can cope with "gas man".

I've had the phone very nearly a year now. This has suddenly got much worse the last few weeks.

Coincidentally, my phone service provider (I won't mention the company's name, but it's a colour which rhymes with... er... nothing rhymes with it), has recently started ringing me up offering me a new handset (& more expensive contract).

Suspicious...

Unaccostumed As I Am...

2007-11-10T17:50:00.000Z

You bunch of sickos!

Thank you for the wonderful (and frankly, disturbing) suggestions some of you made for the Bad Taste fancy dress costumes. The one that made me laugh the most was the one involving Tic-Tacs...

I ended up wearing a pair of theatre scrubs, a handmade badge saying "GINOKOLOJIST" and... um... a prosthesis. As a costume it worked. (Before you say it, no, I was not dressing as anyone in particular).

Other guests at the party included Princess Di (with scars), Mr deMenezezezezez (with wounds) and a fetus. I felt sorry for the people who didn't come in fancy dress - how silly did you look...? Ha ha!

It was all a good laugh except:
- someone else took over DJing from me (surely Chesney Hawkes, Dr Alban & Britney are what you want at a BadTaste party)
- someone put olive oil in the punch
- I fell asleep on the sofa and missed half the party.

Luckily I was not abused in any fashion while I slept...
At least I think I wasn't...

Private Message

2007-11-10T01:32:00.000Z

If you were wondering, it took me almost 2 hours to walk home from Piccadilly Circus. Thank you for keeping me company on the phone for the first hour - it felt great to chat to you again. So many, many more things we didn’t get to talk about, of both critical importance and of absolutely monumental irrelevance. Plus I wanted to sing you the new Hallelujah I wrote ('cos I know you'd get it).

Thanks for letting me eat into your sleep time. Wish we could’ve talked longer. It was horribly empty after you went.

I got home and nearly fell over Schrodinger’s drumkit. Tomorrow I’m gonna open the box and buy a D-lock for what's inside. Probably - depends on what's in it.

Have a wonderful time on holiday.
Sorry about the broken "present" (couldn't repair it for you in time).
And let's chat again one day.
xSx
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
What? It’s my blog…

Copycat

2007-11-06T20:25:00.000Z

Looks like we're not the only ones who play a burning piano...

Fancy

2007-11-03T10:27:00.001Z

I'm several posts behind, but that's OK because I haven't got my internet working in my new flat. So you forgive me.

Went to a Hallowe'en party last week. I went to the fancy dress shop to find werewolf stuff (cos I hadn't shaved for a while, and anyway, it's really hard to look like the undead, vampire, zombie pirate, etc when you've got a tan like mine).

Werewolf costumes came in two categories:
1) Shit - totally crap, unconvincing, bit of felt stuck to the jaw. No fun there.
2) Werewolfoplasty - amazing full body transformation into a proper armed psycho-werewolf. But fucking expensive, especially for just one evening.

Luckily (actually, last time this happened I ended up travelling to Africa for a month) there was a really enthusiastic (OK, and cute) shop assistant. Much banter.

I leave the shop with devil horns and enough red body make-up to paint an elephant.

So I go to the party as the devil.

Lots of fun, particularly going up to strangers who've had far too much to drink and telling them that they're "on my list".

But after a while the make up runs a bit in the heat.

You can identify anyone I'd kissed on the cheek by the red stain.

And when I got up the next morning, there were traces of red make-up on the taps, sink, light switches, walls. And I was moving out in a few hours. Bugger.

------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm going to a Bad Taste Party this evening.

The hostess is going as Maddy.

I was considering going as the hostess's ex, and harassing her all evening. I think the joke would wear thin pretty quickly tho. And I don't want to go as a knobhead.

My physiotherapist friend is refusing to lend me her jumper (so I can cover the "THE" in PHYSIOTHERAPIST)

I've got one idea, but can you suggest anything else? Preferably easy...

Funnies

2007-10-26T10:15:00.000+01:00

Have you seen this excellent comic site? xkcd

It's usually science/maths jokes for geeks, but I like today's one too!

And also there's Perry Bible Fellowship - twisted but brilliant.

I Just Can't Carry On Any More

2007-10-24T09:22:00.000+01:00

If anyone tells you, when the fuel light comes up on the car dashboard, that you've got at least 30 miles-worth left in the tank... you might want to correct them.

Happened to me last week - light came up, spent the rest of the day doing short hops around London, while half-heartedly keeping an eye out for petrol stations without success. Driving back late at night, totally fed up after a really good day that I knew all along was going to end utterly miserably (you know who you are), on the way back the few petrol stations whose locations I knew were all shut.

Approaching Putney Hill I remembered one that I knew would be open, less than 3 miles away.

But it's not a shallow hill. And what little fuel there was left must've all shifted to one end of the tank. So the car started spluttering and then stopped. Halfway up a hill.

Initial management:
Handbrake, hazard lights, profuse swearing.

Further management:
More swearing.

Then I thought, if I could free wheel back and turn into a side road, the petrol would move & at least I'd be able to start engine again & drive somewhere avoiding the hill.

Nup - the power steering wouldn't work with the engine off & I couldn't help steering back into the kerb.

I don't like relying on people when I don't absolutely have to (apart from at work where there are appropriate colleagues to share problems with).
But like anyone at times of non-life-threatening crisis, there are certain people you instinctively go to for help or support.

Like when you're feeling so ill you want to die (even if it's just a cold).
Or when anything else really bad but completely get-over-able happens and you just need someone.

Muuuu-um.

A short while later, Dad drives up bearing a plastic can full of petrol.
Not once does he say "Told you" (which was probably worse 'cos at least then I could say something in return), he just helps me fill up & we go home.

Moral of the story: Never forget family.
I'm really lucky that we are quite close and we've never had any real problems with each other, as I know many families have had.

In this world, there are only a few people with which you have a true permanent connection; a special connection that you don't share with the remaining 6 million vertical apes jostling for attention on this big ball of rock.

If ever you can, fight to preserve what you have - love (or at least tolerate & be there for) your family.

Saying that, I probably ought to get in touch with them actually, I haven't seen them since... oops...

Gobby

2007-10-20T11:04:00.001+01:00

Driving home just now I approached a roundabout, 4 exits.

Most of the traffic was coming from the high street on the right, going across the roundabout and trying to come off at the left exit - except the cars on the left were backed up due to a zebra crossing; so there was a line of cars queuing from right to left, not going anywhere.

On the other hand, I wanted to go across to the exit opposite. There was an empty section of the roundabout ahead of me marked Keep Clear, presumably for this very scenario. As no cars were coming, I started off.

Suddenly this skinhead chav whizzes round from the right, screeches to a halt at the Keep Clear box (which is still empty 'cos I've barely moved) and starts swearing at me through his open passenger side window, across his girlfriend who's sitting in the passenger seat.

I smile (which I admit was done to incense him further) but gesture for him to go through (there's nowhere for him to go of course but I thought it might calm him down a bit) - no, he stays there and carries on shouting at me.

At least I think he was shouting. My windows were shut and there was classical music on the radio so I couldn't hear him. It was almost like watching a TV documentary. This man looked like a shaved baboon, baring his teeth and gnashing away - goodness knows what he was saying but I don't think it was complimentary; I can't lipread very well, but I think he might've said something about wanting a banana...

He ranted on for about 20 seconds.

His girlfriend was looking pretty unimpressed already...

and then he spat at my car...

which was quite a way away from his...

so most of it went over her!

I'm trying to imagine the conversation they must've had as he drove off...

Minor Keys & Extra Notes

2007-10-18T12:16:00.000+01:00

I like trouser pockets.
I always have a lot of stuff in mine.

But yesterday they were so full, I was limping - so I emptied them properly for the first time in weeks.

And I found:

- (only) 76p in change
- a biro from a medical rep
(for a drug that I will never use because the pen was rubbish)
- keys for my car & new flat
- keys for rented removal van
- keys for moving-out-of old flat
- keys for a friend's flat (in case I need somewhere to stay mid-move)
- keys for mum & dad's house (my copy)
- keys for mum's car, on her key-ring the size of a bracelet
(& her set of house keys)
- mobile phone (covered in scratches, no idea how they got there...)

- a small hole

- a tube of men's facial scrub
(bought earlier when getting hair cut, not a permanent pocket resident)

- pad of post-it notes covered in random guff, including
- email addresses
- numerous laughably outlandish, surreal or woefully inaccurate sketched designs for new flat
- a policewoman's phone number (not in a good way, sadly)
- list of people I must must ring before last week
(none of whom I have rung yet)
- lyrics to a song (...in Swahili)

- my wallet, containing:
- driving licence
- credit card, debit card, Oystercard, (Bodyshop card...)
- photos of two ex-gf's (now replaced with guitar plectrum*)
- photo of me with long hair
(often used to prove a point in pub conversations)
- $228 US dollars
- 50 Kenyan Shillings
- 1000 Tanzanian Shillings
- 10 South African Rand
- 1000 Mozambican Meticais
- 10 Swaziland Lilangeni
- 30 Euros
- £0.

- £11 of Blacks vouchers (worth more than all the African money put together... and only slightly less than the dollars at current exchange rate!)

So had I been mugged, they would've got a reasonable amount off me but would've needed a Bureau de Change before they could make any use of it.
Or else a camping shop.

And they could've got into 4 properties & 3 vehicles... so hooray for being lucky enough to not get mugged in London.

I ought to wash those trousers anyway...

* Real guitar plectrum obviously. Not a photo.

Brain Test

2007-10-18T11:50:00.000+01:00

Read this while I write a proper blog post.

For me it goes mostly clockwise, then changes to anticlockwise after I look away & look back.

Just nice to look at I guess... ;o)

Bloody Telecom (BT)

2007-10-12T12:15:00.000+01:00

Ok, so I was in a bit of a mood yesterday.
Sorry folks... the pills are kicking in now...

After someone's helpful comment, I discovered that Virgin were doing a far better offer, so I rang BT to cancel what I'd just arranged with them.

Given that I was leaving them, I was expecting to be a low priority call and to be kept on hold a lot. But good business sense or not, they were really taking the piss.

First I ended up in some kind of loop:
- Statement A: "You can organise your account online at www...."
- (music)
- Statement B
- (music)
- Statement A again
- ... etc

After 7 or 8 minutes of this I got fed up (as I assume they wanted me to) so hung up & tried again.

This time I purposefully rang the wrong departments; I figured then I'd speak to a real person sooner.

Real person #1 said he'd put me through to the "correct department" - it was a different pre-recorded loop. Bastard.

Real person #2 was a techie in an Indian call centre; he insisted on putting me on hold for 3-4 minutes at a time while he talked to his colleague to give him details of my account... and yet refused to hand me over to his colleague so that I could give him the details myself. Odd... almost like he was taking ages on purpose...

After 15 minutes of this, I talk to Real person #3, a bloke with an East-End gangster accent who told me I didn't want to leave BT now, did I? Sounded really quite intimidating.
Eventually he gave in trying to convince me and put me on hold for a further full ten minutes before finally picking back up and saying it was all sorted, the account was cancelled. Phew!

Three quarters of an hour it took me to leave BT.
I'm sure it didn't need to take them so long.

Bet it doesn't take anywhere near as long to get customers to join BT...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

In other news, Orange have changed the voice of their automated system. Gone is the stern, older lady who sounds like a strict school mistress; she's been replaced by a sexier-sounding younger woman.

I swear, that computer was flirting with me...

Home Sick

2007-10-11T12:03:00.000+01:00

Start with positive things:
OK, I suppose it is nice to be back in the UK & see my family again & to not be at work for three more weeks.
But that's it for the positive...

I am so totally fed-up right now & it's only going to get worse.

It's frustrating enough to have to ring a call centre.

But to have to ring ALL of them? It'd drive you mad.

I'm in the process of moving house & I like to be organised (or at least to give it a go).
I'm trying to get things like broadband connection & council tax & utilities & everything else sorted out soon. But that's not going to happen, oh no.

Everyone's a bastard. It's all about long-term contracts & one-off fees & paperwork.

eg Orange won't provide broadband unless I upgrade my mobile account & already have a BT landline; but BT won't provide a landline unless I take out some kind of 12-month package with them; and they're saying it'll cost £125 just to reconnect because my stupid vanishing ex-tenant (without asking me) swapped the lines over to NTL(now defunct).

And repeat.
eg Council can't give me a parking permit until I have proof of address; can't have proof of address for 2 weeks because of postal strike & the time taken to send out new bills.

And it goes on & on & on.

Coupled with frustrating/upsetting personal issues, plus the fact that I don't even HAVE a new address (oh, did I forget to mention that, my new flat doesn't have any floors; just bare concrete all over - the workmen are working though (if you count sitting on your ass & smoking incessantly as "work"); and I also need to decide on the layout & colours of the kitchen & bathroom - I don't bloody know, I'm a bloke).

Gah! Grrrr! Nnnnng!

And of course there's packing, & moving house...

Studies show that moving house is the single most stressful thing you can experience besides death of a loved one.

Meh... s'pose I shouldn't grumble.
It could all be much worse.

Hometime

2007-10-03T14:26:00.000+01:00

Well, my African adventure is nearly at an end.

I've had a great time, but I'm really looking forward to finally coming home (this weekend).

Haven't had much access to News while I've been here - have I missed anything?
-S-

Swaziland...

2007-09-28T17:26:00.000+01:00

...was not a theme park.

I was MOST disappointed.
-----------------------------------------------

Well, I'm STILL in Africa...

So far I've done:
-Kenya (where I jumped with Masai warriors),
-Tanzania (including Zanzibar)
-Mozambique (where it rained almost continuously - although I ate the best seafood I have ever tasted in my life),
-Swaziland (where the King gets another new wife every year)

And now I'm taking my minor illnesses around South Africa (cough, cold, eye infection, etc).

After the busload of students, my new tour group consists of:

- me
- a married couple
and
that's it! Ho hum... Still, they're great fun - Aussies!

I'm all safari'd out.
I've seen The Big Five (Lion, Leopard, Buffalo, Elephant & Rhino) but only eaten one (so far).

And there's a week to go! I'm really looking forward to coming home, but still left on the itinerary before arriving in Cape Town are:

an ostrich farm,
an elephant sanctuary,
Birds of Eden,
and Monkeyland

(which had better be a theme park...)

Waving (While Drowning)

2007-09-19T13:27:00.000+01:00

If I don't make it to old age and die of natural causes, then I'm probably going to drown to death.

I can swim to save my life... but I'd prefer it if it didn't to come to that.

I've been snorkelling once before. It wasn't difficult.
So yesterday I jumped off the boat into the choppy waters of the Indian Ocean and was surprised to find I couldn't snorkel any more.

Instead I inhaled lungfulls of ocean. I'm not really designed for breathing underwater. If my nose is blocked (say, by a snorkelling mask) my natural instinct is to try & breathe in much harder until something gets into my lungs through my nose. In this case, lots of saltwater.

Despite being a singer, I'm actually quite bad at controlling my breathing. Which is why I am physically unable to smoke (even though it's cool & attracts the girls) - I just don't have the co-ordination.

I just couldn't overcome this whole breathing thing AND swim at the same time (I am only human after all) so I shamefully got back into the boat.

We went to much calmer waters a little later on, and there I could do it fine.
(Maybe it was 'cos I was wearing a life vest, I don't know)
First I hyperventilated.
Then I breathed liked Darth Vader with a head cold.
Then I sounded like a failed wean on ITU.
And finally, eventually, I was breathing normally.
So normally in fact that I couldn't hear myself breathing.
Because I'd stopped breathing.

Deep breath, glug glug glug, koff koff koff.

But after that setback, I got the hang of it pretty well. There were bazillions of fish, amazing colours, just indescribably beautiful. I just hung there as they swam around me. It was incredible.

After what seemed like hours, I eventually looked up, to find the boat & everyone else.

Gone.

I nearly pooed myself.

I have no sense of direction at the best of times. But thankfully, I was just facing the wrong way! Phew!

Saw a family of dolphins on the ride home too. Excellent!

So the trip's now going much better. I've found a few normal people to talk to, I've played football & volleyball (in Italian for some reason) and won the Karaoke competition last night.

I've had a really relaxing week. And it only cost the same as a week's camping!

Back on the truck in a few days - next stop South Africa!
Laters
-S-

Camp

2007-09-15T06:45:00.000+01:00

I'm on holiday in Africa and it's all going very well.

I've seen lions shagging on safari, nearly had my lunch pulled out of my hand by a vulture, handled a over-friendly boa constrictor and haggled eager shopkeepers into selling me their tat at a financial loss.

I've seen some of my friends develop comical sunburn patterns and I myself have got mosquito braille all over my ankles and my face has gone dark enough for me to be mistaken for a local ethnic.

The last two weeks have been spent mainly in campsites in Kenya & Tanganika (think up to 14 hours on a truck along dusty pot-holed roads, long-drop pit toilets, eating stew in the dark from metal plates and sleeping campsites with hyenas running through them).
In a few days time I'm starting another two week camping tour round South Africa (whose main claims to fame, everyone so kindly informs me, are gun crime, racial intolerance, and nice wine).

However, due to slight oversight on the parts of both my travel agent & myself, I'm spending this middle week in a luxury resort on the paradise island of Zanzibar. All food is included (you may recall that I see "All You Can Eat" as a personal challenge - Octopus is surprisingly filling); the experience is slightly spoiled by the waiters CONTINUOUSLY asking if I'm OK (I'm eating, of course I'm OK).

More importantly ALL drink is included (I am trying everything on the cocktail menu - have got to G so far and might not last the week)

To compensate for this ~~Bacchin~~... ~~Bachanae~~... pigging out, I've tried to participate in lots of sporting activities. However I usually need a short period of snake-like digestive sleep after each meal, so all I've really managed is AcquaGym & Water Polo - and I'm put to shame by the saggy old retired women (at least 2 of whom are called Beryl).

The rooms are amazing; the maids even sneak in while you're at dinner, and spray the room with mosquito repellent & fragrance & leave a creepy note saying "Sweet Dreams" on the pillow of the huge four-poster beds.

Everyone here is in couples. It would be an ideal place to bring your girlfriend/wife/husband/boyfriend (or combination of the above if so inclined).

But for that reason, I can't really properly hang out with anyone.
I do have the OHCM for company on the beach when it's quiet, but it's not the same as a real person...

And so, bizarrely, I find myself missing the students, travel agents & random foreigners that I was hanging out with on the truck... and look forward to meeting a new bunch in a few days.

I think I'll go drown my sorrows in the bar/pool.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, the irony is not lost on me - I'm whinging about being on holiday at a fab sunny beach resort; feel free to remind me when I'm doing 6 months of Chronic Pain clinics or spending Xmas Day on call!

Suman is in ZANzibar!

2007-09-11T08:47:00.001+01:00

I'm in an Internet cafe in Tanzania

Fuck me, the connection is SO sl

Do Not Joke With Immigration Officials

2007-08-31T01:10:00.000+01:00

That is the advice given in my guide to travelling round Africa:
"Do not joke with Immigration officials".

I'm flying out tomorrow. I'm going for 5 weeks.
And yet I've only just started reading the guide. Well done me.

I really should be packing right now. Or sleeping.

But no, I'm blogging. Silly, silly, silly.

Then again I probably won't update this blog more than a couple of times in the next few weeks. It's nothing personal, I just don't think there are many Internet Cafes open in the Serengeti (I assume - I haven't seen many zebras on Facebook but they probably hide their profiles to avoid being stalked).

I reckon I will have lots to say when I get back though.

Such as
- it's difficult to sleep in a tent knowing there are lions roaming outside. Or:
- ten things I could've brought with me which would've been more useful than the book Salmon Fishing In The Yemen. Or:
- what use is being a doctor if you don't have any medical equipment with you (actually, half my luggage will be simple medical supplies, just in case... well, I don't want to look silly.)

Enjoy working/studying everyone - I'm gonna have a great holiday!
(seeing as I've emptied my ISA to pay for it!)

Chat soon
-S-

Vampire

2007-08-24T09:56:00.000+01:00

Well lookee here...

I got interviewed!

http://london.fridaycities.com/radar/2007/8/23/fridaycities-meets-suman-biswas

Handsome photos too...

The V D Clinic

2007-08-24T09:20:00.000+01:00

Well I'm waiting for my copy of the DVD (expecting it today)... but theYouTube clips look great & I hear it's bloody good!

If you are unfortunate enough to have technical problems with the disc, I can't do anything personally, so I recommend you email the distributors.

Try here.

Be nice.

The DVD has landed!

2007-08-21T18:31:00.000+01:00

So...

After some massive technical problems from the suppliers of the DVD
(the first batch had to be destroyed - they were like rabid dogs but more dangerous & unpredictable), the DVDs of The Black and White Menstrual Show have finally started to be posted out.

Some of you lucky ones have already received yours, others will get them in the next few days. However you poor buggers who live abroad will still have to wait for the monthly steam-ship to make it to your distant, unBritish shores. Serves you right - move to London.

I'm sorry for the delay. And the communications breakdown.

Let me make it up to you.

On YouTube, there are now ELEVEN songs from the DVD that you can download and watch, albeit in lower quality.

What's the point of buying the DVD then, you might ask? Well there are still LOTS of other songs, old and new, not on YouTube. Including dozens of Snippets...

You can't wait can you...

Here you go - Amateur Transplants Live on YouTube.

Enjoy
-S-

Another New Song

2007-08-16T07:48:00.000+01:00

Here's another new song, taken from the Amateur Transplants DVD:

The New Man Song

(Why does nobody love me?)

New Song #1

2007-08-14T12:40:00.000+01:00

As promised for ages, here's some completely new Amateur Transplants material!

Very excited to actually be on youtube myself (rather than being mimed over by weirdos or strange photos)

Beautiful Song

Discuss.

(From the DVD - more coming soon)

Amateur Transplants live DVD is on sale!

2007-08-10T11:23:00.000+01:00

The Black & White Menstrual Show is now available to buy, watch & love.

Full of classics from Fitness To Practice, as well as songs from the forthcoming new CD Unfit to Practice and songs that should never have been performed in the first place, the 90-minute DVD has been professionally recorded, edited & packaged by a... professional.

Buy several now. NOW dammit!

http://www.fridaytowers.com/fitness/dvd.php

Picture & Piano

2007-08-10T10:48:00.000+01:00

At last... I can use my computer again.

My new monitor arrived this morning - it's not that I ordered it ages ago but the opposite - I kept putting it off 'cos I haven't been home much. I only chose one last night and I ordered it about 7pm (thanks eBuyer - bloody good service!)

So now I can see what's on my screen again without developing terrible headaches.

I've been away using my time off for various things (time off following a 90-hour week mind you - I'm not a skiver, I often don't get weekends off, etc).
Went to a friend's wedding which was great fun. We were waiting for the couple at the reception - suddenly the door flew open; there stood the groom proudly in his ~~skirt~~ kilt, his longish hair blowing in the wind, with his new wife next to him in her beautiful bridal dress, bouncing up & down, deliriously happy. Awww... It was a good night - first ceilidh dancing & then rocking out with proper cheesy disco. Exhausting though. How do bridesmaids have so much energy?

And I've carted my digital piano off to a few places (I'm really glad I chose a light one!) Played for some friends in what may have been the oddest venue of my life (so far) - a curry house. The other diners were... surprised to say the least. The curry house owners were just proud to have met a talented Bengali and tried to marry me off to one of their relations... As did the bloke in the kebab shop a week previously. Meh - leave me alone!

Also played for a huge international medical students' conference - it all went surprisingly well, given that a significant proportion of the audience didn't have English as a first language! Plus it was quite amusing watching their faces fall when I did rude songs and they slowly twigged one by one what was going on!

The Amateur Transplants DVD is out this week; and we will record the next CD soon and hopefully have it out in time for Xmas.

I'm back at work after the weekend, then travelling somewhere in September (as yet undecided - I still haven't found any charity/expedition work, so I'm tempted to just go on safari or something instead). I move house in October & start the new job in November.

So really, just about everything's sorted. That's nice.

Which is handy, given that the world has just crashed down around my ears...

Maternity

2007-08-02T11:25:00.000+01:00

TRUE STORY*

A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies.

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has narrow eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the rear. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!"

"What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

* not a true story

Fluid Overload (1)

2007-07-31T07:38:00.001+01:00

a.k.a. "Water Water Everywhere But Not A Drop To Drink"

Day 11 of the water crisis around here.

Many parts of the UK were drowned in the rain & ensuing flooding that started a couple of weeks ago.

My local water purification plant was flooded so any tap water would have been contaminated.
So it was announced that the water was going to be switched of very soon, so everyone filled their baths, buckets, etc so they'd have stuff to wash with or flush the loo.

Thing is, I had been away for a few days and got back home to go straight out to work again, so I returned the next morning from the night shift to find there was no water full stop.

This posed a problem.

Particularly the first time I forgot and used the loo as normal. (Only a number one luckily)

I didn't have any spare water, so, begrudgingly, I tipped my one bottle of mineral water down the loo. And nothing happened.

You see, I'd recently had a bit of a clean-up and chucked a load of tisues & kitchen roll in the loo, to be flushed next time I went. Bad timing, it turns out.

So I thought to myself, what else can I use to flush the loo. I went to the kitchen & discovered a nearly full bottle of Asda cherryade that no-one else had wanted after the last BBQ. Brilliant. Straight into the pan it went.

Now here's an experiment you can try at home - it appears that aforementioned cherryade reacts a bit with urine. And fizzes quite a lot when you pour it from a height, Tom-Cruise-in-Cocktail-style.

The red liquid frothed up and up in the bowl, with tissues floating atop the sickly sweet-smelling scarlet bubbles like rafts. It very, VERY, nearly spilled over the side (while I was shouting that No NO thing people do when pouring a drink - I was that close to sipping just to stop it overflowing...)

Thankfully, the tide came down to leave a few inches of froth & tissue mulch. I closed the door & haven't been back into that bathroom since!

Straight to supermarket to get bottled water - none left.

So I was in a predicament... but luckily I live next door to a hospital... They must have water in a hospital, surely?

TO BE CONTINUED...

Absorbing

2007-07-22T00:06:00.000+01:00

Coo, it's a bit wet out...

I drove most of the way back from London without a hitch. Then I got to a flooded bit.

Traffic wasn't even crawling. People were parked. It took me over an hour to travel a mile and a half. I had to get home soon. I was starting a night shift in a few hours and I wanted a power nap before. At this rate I might not even get to work on time.

Was I stressed?

Hell no. I fished out my copy of Harry Potter from the boot and read a few chapters, inching the car forwards every minute or so. Lovely. Only spoilt by people in the other lane constantly shouting out asking if it was any good.

The eagerly awaited sequel to "Harry Potter & The Half-Price Blood" (or whatever) came out at midnight yesterday. Fans had been queueing for ages, days even.

er...why? I wandered into Tesco's at 1am and they had a mountain of copies & no queue.
I wandered out again though 'cos they were charging full price. Silly buggers - who's going to pay 18 quid when Asda down the road were doing it for a fiver?! I ask you...

The author, JR Hartley (or whatever), has let it known that two major characters die in the book. It's kinda obvious who it has to be, but I'm hoping she'll surprise me. Incidentally, she hasn't mentioned that a number of other less important characters die...

As for the plot - well, I'm going into hiding for a week. Normally, I barely watch any telly, instead I read dozens of blogs. But I can't take the risk now - someone's going to give it away. I can feel it.

For the previous book, I saw a youtube vid of people who drove past the queues of eager Harry Potter fans outside bookstores and used a megaphone to announce "******* dies" before driving off giggling; twistedly funny but inherently evil. Think of the children.

No, I'm not going to take any chances. I'll miss it, but I'm just going to have to avoid surfing the webnet for a bit.

(I will post in the meantime, but with my eyes half shut in case I see some Internet out of the corner of my eye.)

Right back to... er... work... (or whatever)

******* = Dumbledore. Oh sorry, I thought everyone knew.

G33k

2007-07-19T00:36:00.000+01:00

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

A: To get to the same side.

I love geeky jokes - do you know any more?

Overdrive

2007-07-17T13:13:00.000+01:00

In other news, I nearly got killed a moment ago.

Bombing back up the M40, I notice the truck in front of me, full of rubbish, is being buffetted around a lot by the wind.

Suddenly several large planks of wood suddenly getting picked up by the wind, fly out of the top of the lorry and head towards me (or rather I'm heading towards them) at 70-odd mph.

Next thing I am aware of is that, alarmingly, I'm not doing anything to avoid my impending wood-car collision. After all, at this split-second in time, there are chunks of wood apparently suspended in mid-air, in the lane directly ahead of me, and the lanes either side, just waiting for me to hit them.

Where could I go? No hope of braking in time. And I'm pretty sure that my car has never flown - although if I hit any of the debris the wrong way, it would be likely to lift the car up and maybe over.

It was like something out of an action film.

Particularly because a few seconds later I was out of the other side of this cloud of wood totally unhurt. Didn't even hit the car. Maybe air vortices, maybe divine intervention, I don't know, but somehow the dozen lumps of wood & I did not collide.

I felt shaken but very alive for the rest of the journey.

I got home, feeling that maybe, maybe, someone out there was looking out for me.

To find that some fucker had just nicked my bike.

Job

2007-07-17T12:21:00.000+01:00

I survived MMC!

My future employment status hung in the brink when I didn't get any interviews on the strength of my "application form"(a.k.a. Essay in Creative Writing & Jargon Shoehorning) in Round 1a. But when Round 1b was created so that everyone else got one sympathy interview, I got offered my top choice of job! Which was nice.

My deepest sympathies go out to the people who've been screwed over by the system. Some of my good friends are currently still jobless (with Round 2 already well underway) - no-one knows what's going to happen, but it appears that their current employers have a responsibility to help them out if they get nothing - ironically these doctors are probably highly skilled in the competitive specialties where there are very few jobs available - what a waste.

Other casualties include relationships - I know of several couples that have broken up because of it, including Hippychick & I. When do we get Patricia Hewitt's head on a spike?

But as for my job - thanks to a quirk of the rotas, my new job doesn't start til November, so it looks like I'll have September & October off (after I locum for a month).

What to do? It's the perfect time to go travelling, so I intend to spend most of September abroad.

Can't decide whether I should go on Safari, or go round Oz & New Zealand, or do some charity work somewhere for a few weeks.

No idea where to look - any suggestions?

Catch-up

2007-07-09T13:41:00.000+01:00

Oh dear, I've fallen a bit behind with my blogging!

Here's what's been going on in the last week or so:

WEDDING - last weekend

Absolutely hilarious & great fun from start to finish!
The stag-do started out playing cricket on a beach, then visiting a beer festival & ended up with us being kicked out of a pub about 3am.

The next morning, the groom and best man were unable to be found until 2 hours after they were supposed to show up. Luckily all went well for the rest of the service which included:
- torrential rain
- a rather confused atheist elderly lady vicar
- a bride in a maternity dress & a groom with sweat dripping continuously from his forehead
- & an organist who, bored with Bach, started playing the theme tune to Grandstand instead

The reception was great - I was even allowed to do a few songs, which demonstrates how drunk everyone must have been...

AMATEUR TRANSPLANTS GIGS - last week

Two gigs at a three-hundred-seater theatre in Central London, sold out - everything went pretty well (apart from realising an hour before curtain that there was no way of connecting my digital piano to a sound system)

We got a good reaction from the whole audience (apart from one confused friend of ours who had assumed we would've changed our style in the last 5 years - silly boy).

The audience was a random mix of mostly non-medical people - schoolkids, grandparents, paramedics... in the bar afterwards, I met a convict on day-release who had to go back to jail after the gig, a girl who was in the Harry Potter films (no, not Hermione) and a friend of mine who had lost one leg since I last saw him (who...er... I drunkenly may have tried to push over... sorry mate!)

And of course there were some lovely ladies. One girl, describing herself as "Adam's biggest fan" and believing Adam to be the sexiest man alive, travelled over a hundred miles for the show; I'm telling you this because, entirely coincidentally, she happens to be profoundly hard of hearing and registered blind. No, genuinely.

All in all, the gigs were a lot of fun - test-ran lots of material for the new album - plus we made a video recording, so maybe one day there'll be an Amateur Transplants DVD... (or YouTube clips at the very least)!

To calm things down a bit - I did 2 shifts on ITU this weekend, with an unrehearsed band gig 3 hours drive away in between! Could've gone better - I badly injured my index finger beforehand (there's still a big chunk of skin missing), broke a bass guitar string & nearly fell asleep driving home afterwards (remember kids: don't sleep & drive)..

But now I've got a few days off... and I've got nothing to do*!
Bloody typical...

*nothing apart from getting ready to move house again, booking a holiday, rehearsing for band gigs, finding a charity to work for this summer, catching up with friends, getting some exercise, tidying my flat, writing new songs, etc ...

Morning After

2007-07-06T20:49:00.001+01:00

The two shows were a fantastic success!

The audience feedback was...er... wholly positive, and you laughed in all the right places!

Will write more when hangover fades...

-S-

Monitoring

2007-07-01T20:01:00.000+01:00

Hmmm... my computer monitor seems to have had a stroke while I've been away this weekend.

Now only the middle third of the screen is working. Everything is stretched painfully tall & thin, with black on either side. I've had to shrink the screen down vertically as much as possible just to be able to read what's on it.

But now the working part of the screen is about the size of a mobile phone's, floating in a sea of black on the big monitor. I'm expecting its complete demise any moment now.

Can anyone recommend a decent (probably flatscreen) monitor I can replace it with?

(It's great having a blog sometimes)
-S-

Happy Together

2007-06-29T09:41:00.000+01:00

It's gonna be an odd weekend.

One of my best friends is getting married.

It's his stag-do today (my first ever proper stag-do) - so of course, we are going to destroy him. Then it's the wedding tomorrow!

They're holding it in the arse-end of nowhere (fiancee's home village) so I'm guaranteed to get lost between the venue, the pub, my hotel, etc...

Bit stressed because he wants me to play at the reception tomorrow.

I want to do nice songs... but I they're boring - I've given up on the Baywatch theme and now learning some Kaiser Chiefs, The Feeling, The Turtles (60s band, not Teenage Mutant variety)...

And of course, I have been asked to do some of the medical/comedy ones. A wedding. Yikes...

Plus he has a bearded chemistry teacher as a best man.

There is a high likelihood of disaster.

Tch - what am I worried about, what could possibly go wrong...?

Glastonbury Medic

2007-06-25T19:06:00.000+01:00

I had a fantastic weekend at Glastonbury.

I was there to work, but I had Friday & Sunday off, so I got to enjoy most of the Festival too!

I drove down on Thursday evening and there was no traffic at all because just about everyone was already there. So my first challenge was to battle single-handedly in the dark with the brand new tent I'd just bought. It was looking great... until I realised I'd mistaken the inner tent for the flatsheet - so theoretically I could stay in it... but it wouldn't be waterproof & it'd be see-through. I started again.

My first overnight shift in the medical centre wasn't too bad at all. The mental health team were far busier than me, dealing with a number of pill-poppers, most of whom just needed reassurance & a quiet lie-down. I took a trip with the ambulance crew when they transferred a punter to hospital - blue light & siren, very exciting!

The shift finished on Friday morning & I made my tired way back to the volunteer medical staff's private campsite. The organisers had scraped together enough cash for much nicer portaloos & showers than the ones in the main site; if you think I missed the true spirit of the festival, I don't care - you're just jealous.

I tried to get some sleep during the day but it wasn't easy (usually I'm quite good at sleeping anywhere); I woke up every now & then to hear that it was still tanking it down with rain & there was a different band on the main stage in the distance.

Early evening, rested, I finally ambled down to the actual festival in my wellies. The mud was already ankle-deep and like quicksand; I kept getting stuck and nearly falling over - which is why I didn't laugh every time I saw someone else tumble in! Getting around the site took quite a bit of effort - everyone there got a free thigh & bum workout just from sticking & unsticking. Later in the weekend the mud became much more liquid & slurry-like. Either that or the loos had overflowed.

There were more than a dozen stages to wander round. But when I first got there, I was hungry & more interested in the food stalls. There were so many different things on offer, from stalls selling your average pie, burger, chips etc to a place that did Australian meats (if you're wondering, crocodile is quite soft & tasty, whereas kangaroo is more meaty).

I found a brilliant place, the Banyan Tree Cafe, which had an open mic (guess where this story is going...). A guy went up & did some rap/poetry & then played some reggae. Some of his mates joined him & it turned into an impromptu samba dance-off, with lots of the cafe staff joining in on various instruments; there ended up being a dozen people on stage.

Well how do you follow that? With a middle-class off-duty doctor singing rude songs at a piano of course. Went down surprisingly well - by the end of it a crowd of about a hundred people had gathered - more than when I started! ;o)
In any case, technically now I can say I played at Glastonbury!

I wandered round the stalls which sold everything; trilby hats, didgeridoos, wind chimes, you name it. I really wanted to buy some fire poi from a juggling stand but thought I'd better try at home first (eg. with rolled-up socks) before I invest 50 quid in the real thing.

Best bit of the festival? I think I've developed a thing for girls in shorts & wellies... Rrrawr...

My next shift started on Saturday afternoon. Much busier with lots of people turning up with minor injuries like blisters & trench-foot, twisted ankles, and one rare condition which took all four doctors to diagnose!

I could hear the main stage from the medical tent so it wasn't so bad; and I got out in time to catch the end of The Killers (who rocked!)

On Sunday I investigated the smaller stages - found some amazing acts in the Dance tents, including a funk/rap band called Loose Cannons. Saw a trumpet-based jazz act called Beirut and made it over to the main stage for The Kaiser Chiefs who were brilliant.

There was an hour before the next act - so did I use my backstage pass to go hang out in the celebrity hospitality tent, before rocking out to The Who and then returning backstage to drink with the stars & get more stories for the blog?

Or did I go to the campsite, pack up the tent while there was still some light, get out of the car park before the ground had been completely blended to mush by vehicle wheels, drive home before the mass exodus of thousands of cars down one road & sleep in my own bed before coming to work today...?

Sorry.

I'll go backstage next time, I promise!

Amateur Transplants reform for a gig!

2007-06-20T18:18:00.000+01:00

Yes, for TWO nights only,

Amateur Transplants are proud to present:

THE BLACK & WHITE MENSTRUAL SHOW

at the
New Players Theatre,
Villiers Street,
London WC2N
(next to Embankment tube station)

Wednesday 4th July & Thursday 5th July 2007
at 7.30pm

Songs performed will include old favourites and new tracks from the forthcoming difficult 2nd album "Unfit To Practice".

Tickets available from http://www.fridaytowers.com/blackandwhite/

The shows will sell out* so get your tickets soon to ~~ensure~~ avoid disappointment!

*probably true, seeing as we're emailing everyone ~~who's ever bought a copy of the CD~~ whose email address we still have from when they bought a CD. As well as everyone else in our email address books. So hurry!

Crammed

2007-06-20T17:46:00.000+01:00

I feel good about myself when I make efficient use of my free time.
In no particular order, in the 48 hours, I have:

- been to a musical recital where I sang to (& offended) the entire concert hall,

- interrupted my mate while he was proposing to his girlfriend,

- met dozens of friends who were first year medical students when I became a doctor, and saw them finally qualify as doctors themselves,

- planned a new show with Adam! (details to follow soon)

- crossed London to buy one replacement earbud missing from my stethescope,

- taken a mate out for a birthday breakfast,

- wondered why it was taking all the staff in a music shop to deal with one customer... (turned out he was Bill Bailey),

- been to a Summer Ball at Stamford Bridge, Chelsea FC's Ground,

& bought a load of camping gear to take to Glastonbury tomorrow

All in all, I've caught up with about 100 old friends I haven't seen in the last 1 to 5 years.

Including 2 ex-girlfriends... it was a bit awkward, but it made a great photo!

Magic Touch

2007-06-17T20:49:00.000+01:00

I got my new piano last week. And bloody hell, it's brilliant.

It's a full size digital, absolutely gorgeous sound, a complete joy to play - feels just like a real piano, only it's portable.

And now I'm in pain.

I've rushed home every day after work to play; I've... 'discovered' lots of sheet music online over the last couple of years and haven't had a chance to try any of it, so since last weekend I've been playing anything on it. Until I get cramp in my fingers.

Classical, Jazz, Rock, you name it; cheesy stuff too... (eg. I've been trying to work out the solos from the Baywatch theme tune - I'm playing dinner music for a friend's wedding in a week and I know he'd ~~hate~~ appreciate it).

But as a result I haven't been very sociable this week.

So despite doing a long, tiring shift yesterday&night, some friends dragged me out against my will to go hiking round Oxfordshire with them today. It'd do me good, they said.

Bollocks to that, I said. But they hauled me out of bed & into the car anyway.

I was tired, grumpy, sore-fingered and not in the mood to trek across stupid fields strewn with stupid sheep and their stupid stinky sheep-shit all over my shoes.

So when we got to the bridge, I did not want to take another step until I'd told my friends how pissed off I was.

But due to a combination of immense frustration and lack of sleep, this is how I expressed myself:

Well that's never happened before...

Reading Festival

2007-06-11T11:10:00.000+01:00

Crikey, is it Monday already?

Doesn't time fly when you're having fun?
And finally, I am!

I've got an MMC-Golden Ticket - it has been confirmed that I will not be unemployed in August, but in a training job to ultimately become a Consultant Anaesthetist in a few years time.

Woohoo! Great news. (OK, I'm still waiting to hear whether it's London, Kent, Surrey or Sussex... but it's a start!)

And now I'm actually a bit bored! With no interviews or exams for a while, I've been able to read a few books because I've wanted to (rather than because I'm going to be asked lots of questions about it), all of which are highly recommended:

Quirkology - The curious science of everyday lives, people psychology, helpfulness, being lucky, the world's funniest joke and the results of lots of fascinating experiments.

The Meaning of Tingo - Someone's been through hundreds of dictionaries and uncovered words that we don't quite have in the English language (and in that respect is quite similar to Douglas Adams's The Deeper Meaning of Liff)

The Undercover Economist - A real eye-opener, explains where costs come from, why coffee shops charge so much, etc... but now I can't go shopping without feeling like I'm being conned.

And now I'm reading The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable - explains why unpredictable things are bound to happen all the time.

Also I'm gonna be working at the Reading Festival & Glastonbury (so for goodness sake, don't take an overdose on my shift) and seeing the bands in between.

And last but not least...(drumroll) Adam & I are going to record the next Amateur Transplants album! I'm going to write a load more songs and polish up some unfinished ones. There might even be a gig or two!

So, if you'll excuse me, I need to go & buy a piano. No rest for the wicked...

Mint

2007-06-05T19:15:00.000+01:00

(Posting while on call so I'll write a proper one when I have more time.)

I'm playing badminton tomorrow.
I'm looking forward to it. It's a sport that doesn't take much stamina, just agility & tactics.

A friend of mine told me badminton was a "gay" sport.

I asked him why.

"Shuttlecock" he said. "It's just a ball in a skirt"

...

Knock Knock

2007-06-02T10:38:00.000+01:00

I just got a wake-up call from God.

(Well, it was some of his witnesses actually.)

Three of them buzzed through the intercom. They said they wanted to talk to me about the Bible.

I wasn't really awake enough to teach them anything so I sent them on their way. They left me a leaflet. How nice.

I don't know much about Jehovah's Witnesses - most people only see them appearing door-to-door in sitcoms. My understanding is that
a) they believe that only a fixed number of people get into heaven &
b) they encourage you to join their church.
That doesn't make good business sense in my view, increasing the competition.
Imagine you'd invested your whole life to being a good Jehovah's Witness, then at the gates of heaven you were refused entry in favour of someone you'd converted that morning...

My other experience of JWs is in clinical exams. They appear a lot in exams. Usually with very severe blood loss. When JWs appear in an exam, they have usually suffered horrible life-threatening violent trauma.

I assume this is because they often have very strong beliefs which prevent them receiving blood transfusions - so we have to know how to manage them ethically appropriately as well as clinically correctly - thus they make good question-fodder in oral exams.

Either that or they're statistically a very very unlucky bunch of people.

Well, my three seemed nice. Tch, maybe I should've asked them in - would've been nice to find out more.

I just didn't think of it in time. Remember, I had just woken up.
And I wasn't wearing anything.

(Could've been awkward for everyone then...)

Cheese!

2007-05-30T16:24:00.000+01:00

In the Sixteenth Century, the lords who governed the area which was to become the county of Gloucestershire were faced with a crisis.

There were too many stupid people. And they were multiplying.

This had a knock-on effect on the use of resources and the local communities.

The governors had a meeting to create a way of getting the idiots to self-select and remove themselves from the gene-pool. One man suggested asking them to throw themselves off a cliff.
How could we possibly get them to do that? asked another.

And so... cheese-rolling was born.

I went to see a re-enactment of this astonishing method of social engineering last Monday at Gloucester's Annual Cheese Rolling Festival. Yes, you did read that correctly.

A piece of cheese is lobbed down an insanely steep hill (the photos on the BBC news website do not even begin to do it justice) followed by people who nowadays have come from all around the world to take part. Especially Australians (so kind of in-keeping with the original culling-of-the-unwanted ethos of the event.)

The winner gets to keep the cheese. (And has first dibs on the ambulance.)

I'm just glad I wasn't working on the Trauma operating list - there looked like a lot of bones being broken on the bumpy tumble down...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the photos front - my camera went missing in action, but I'm getting it back soon. And my Grade 1 shearing disaster has already matured into about a Grade 3 (my hair grows fiendishly quickly - it's my one superpower... if only I could find a way of harnessing it for good, not evil...)

I'll try & dig out some photos when I tell you about the fancy dress party I went to...

Smile!

Reflective Practice

2007-05-23T07:31:00.000+01:00

1. Describe interesting, difficult or uncomfortable experiences. Try to record both positive and not so positive elements. What made the experience memorable?

The one thing worse than your friends shaving your head while you're drunkenly asleep... is when you wake up hungover and think it's a good idea to do it yourself.

The first bit was easy: bzzzzz-thunk - throw hair on the floor - repeat. Within a minute, I had liberated enough head-hair to create a very convincing fake Arabic beard (not that I'd ever want to do such a thing).

Although at that stage, with half scalped with long random tufts waiting to be mown down, I think I looked like a badly half-plucked chicken.

I say "I think" because then there was the power cut.

2. How did it affect you?

What do you think? I couldn't see, but I knew I looked mentally ill (although I was only going to Brighton for lunch, so I'd probably look normal there).

3. How did it affect the patient?

(Patient? Well, I guess that's me)
I was not happy.
Eventually found the appropriate trip switches and got back to the shearing. It is very difficult to shave the back of your own head. Properly. I eventually rigged up a series of mirrors, but even so had to move my hand in one direction to get the shaver in the mirror to move the opposite way.

And finally, after about an hour of identifying strays and cutting them down, it was finally all done.

4. How did it affect the team?

Everyone I have met since then has pissed themselves laughing.

(Except for maybe one elderly patient who I think pissed herself for another reason).

5. What did you learn from the experience, and what (if anything) would you do differently next time?

Get drunk & persuade someone else to do it.

They never learn...

2007-05-21T18:33:00.000+01:00

And of course this classic.

Sad News

2007-05-18T18:30:00.000+01:00

Nothing which will really bum you out, but enough to put me on a bit of a downer...

Was quite upset to hear that one of the professors who taught when I was at Medical School had died last week. Most readers will have come across Prof John Henry, who was probably Britain's foremost Toxicologist & Poisons expert, advising the government on quite a few high profile cases (... as well as answering Ali G's questions about drugs). He was a really nice man too & will be sadly missed by a large number of people.

Two weeks on, my car's still in Critical Care waiting for a new valve (or something).

Disappointment on the Funny Foot front:
Hello from Walls, Thank you for your recent E-mail.
Unfortunately, the product has been discontinued. You may find a few remaining items in store but Unilever has decided to discontinue the item due to low levels of demand. Please accept my apolgies for any disappointment that this may cause.

I suppose it is looking more likely that the job application system might become a little more fair - although the current solution of "we'll still give out most of the jobs our way, but we'll go back to the old system for round 2 to fill the last few training jobs and the remaining ten thousand doctors will have to look for something else" is not really there yet.

My interview went OK (although no-one even wanted to look at the beautiful ~~wine list~~ portfolio I've spent ages creating) - and I did get to see my mum for the first time in months & take her out for lunch afterwards.

And it is the weekend...

Oh well, mustn't grumble.

Now what?

2007-05-15T16:51:00.000+01:00

Front page news on the BBC website (for about 3 hours) was that MTAS has, unsurprisingly, been scrapped.

Which is great in some respects. No-one will get a job unfairly.
But...er... how will any of us get a job now?

The old way, of everyone applying wherever they want to work, means more application forms and more interviews! Arrrgh!

Should I still go to my MTAS interview tomorrow? Will there be anyone there? I hope so - I've spent ages making my portfolio look nice, the printing, the binding...

(Bugger. I've just realised it looks just like a restaurant wine list.)

druM eT bAsS

2007-05-14T21:10:00.000+01:00

Here's a video describing the fundamental issues regarding doctors' jobs in simple terms...

...set to a rather brilliant drum 'n' bass choon. Have a look.
(Dancing optional - volume control's in the corner)

Next post will be after my interview on Wednesday...

Not Cool

2007-05-12T19:57:00.000+01:00

This is the UK, the greatest nation in the world. It's 2007. We have pioneering technology everywhere in our lives, and are living a luxury compared to how things were a decade or two ago, for goodness sake. And yet...

Actually no, I won't rant. In the grand scheme of things, it's really not a big deal.

I just want an ice cream. On a stick.

A Funny Foot.

Apparently, Wall's has relaunched them (I didn't know they'd stopped making them). But I can't find one anywhere. In any supermarket or newsagent. And believe me, I've looked every time I've been in one for the last few months.

So where can I get me a Funny Foot? Hmm? Anybody?

Or for that matter, a Toffee Crumble..

...which has to be THE best choc/nut/biscuit-coated ice-cream-with-a-toffee-centre on a stick in this or any other universe.
I hadn't seen one since I was little, so when I found some last year in a corner shop in Birmingham last year I bought them all - and finished them off within a few hours (but there were less than a dozen to begin with, so it's allowed). Mmm...

You will be fooled...

2007-05-08T01:16:00.000+01:00

Cardiac Arrest

2007-05-05T08:15:00.000+01:00

I have a fairly middle-aged car, normally fit & well.

I've always put the right stuff into the tank, taken it for regular check-ups, never over-exerted it...

Recently I've noticed it sounding a little tired going up hills.

And since the start of the week, the engine fans have started puffing on minimal effort.

Then yesterday the dash lights all came on down one side.
It wasn't relieved by stopping the car.

It's never smoked. Drinks only unleaded.

I took the poor thing to the garage and the nice ~~doctor~~ man diagnosed a circulation problem.

I think my car's had a heart attack.

They kept it in overnight.
Might need a thermostat transplant.

I'm so worried. (sniff) I love my car. It's the only one I've got...

ahem...

2007-05-04T08:10:00.000+01:00

HAPPY STAR WARS DAY!

Scot the whole world...

2007-04-30T12:29:00.000+01:00

I went to a conference in Scotland recently and stayed in a hotel.

I vowed to keep myself out of mischief, but then I managed to break my TV within seconds of getting to my room - part of the plug snapped off when I unplugged it from the wall.

I explained this to the receptionist & came back later to discover the replacement TV had no buttons (besides on/off) - the remote control was missing so the TV was untuneable

I told the manager (who had taken over at reception). He developed a peculiar bipolar fury/fawn complex; he would apologise to me profusely at the mistake, but then swear consonant-heavily (about the "f'kin' uddiot, stupp'd bast'rrd" who swapped the TVs) - but he flipped from one state to the other several times a sentence. I find a heavy Scots accent hard to follow at the best of times, but when some guy's swearing his head off but saying sorry, it all gets very confusing.

He brought up a replacement telly & plugged it in. No reception. That set him off again worse than before - he stomped away, loudly cursing and apologising. (Obviously a graduate from the Basil Fawlty School of Hotel Management.)

The aerial wasn't plugged in properly - a small tweak & it worked fine.
Blokey rang up from reception (although I don't know why he bothered, I could hear him just as clearly shouting from downstairs) about telly#4 so I relievedly told him all was well...
... and then fell asleep. I didn't watch any TV during my stay. Oops.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Breakfast was another delight. Telling the chef which items I wanted for my fry-up, each time greeted with louder & more exaggerated yells of "NAE BOWTHER!"

Luckily I didn't found out how he'd react if it had been a bother...

And then on to the conference...
(to be continued)

Idea

2007-04-28T09:53:00.000+01:00

You may have heard on the news that there's been another mess-up regarding MTAS. The highly-secure application system had a slight flaw, in that anyone could easily access anyone else's application online simply by changing one of the numbers in a page's URL.
So theoretically I might not get a job because someone's fiddled with my application form... (rather than on my own merits)

And because two-thirds of doctors have not been selected for any interviews, MTAS created "Round 1.b" which allows all of us to have one interview, presumably to stop us complaining (rather than, say, admit that they'd got it wrong and re-organise the whole process in a more fair way).

But now, after the online security breach, the website's been taken down.

So when & where are all our interviews going to be then?
They start on Monday and we were supposed to log on this week to get the details.

But this is currently what the entire site looks like:

No, seriously. Compare. (edit: Since I posted this, they've changed it slightly and now admit there was a problem - power to the people!)

What now MTAS?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Junior Doctor's Committee has made a suggestion regarding Patricia Hewitt, the Health Secretary.

Make her resign
- and then reapply for her job using the MTAS process.

"That means that her job would be scrapped and she'd have to re-apply without any of her experience counting, which is basically what the government has asked junior doctors to do."

Sounds fair to me...

Cold Play

2007-04-21T14:19:00.000+01:00

So I'm in a bit of trouble.

I spent all of Sunday thinking I'd forgotten something important, but I couldn't remember what. Until I got a text from my best friend a few days later saying "Missed anyone's birthday recently?"

I rang him to talk - I felt terrible. He put me in my place and gloated a bit, but I think I'm forgiven so everything's not lost.

I want to get him something nice anyway. And that's the hardest part - I can't think of anything cool but not entirely useless.

Any thoughts?
I've seen some really funky clocks...

Acoustic Catarrh

2007-04-18T19:58:00.000+01:00

This is brilliant.

And I've seen my mate Leo Abrahams do something similar live, only it was even more amazing.

And yet I still can't play this piece which I've been trying to learn for about 15 years! (although obviously not continuously - I'd bleed to death from the fingers)

Tarrega - Gran Val...

I reckon really good guitarists must have a secret extra joint in their fingers or something...

Sun set

2007-04-15T22:31:00.000+01:00

I've spent most of this weekend outdoors.

I've bought rollerblades, a softball set, table tennis stuff, another frisbee, a skateboard, a football, 8 water pistols, a big pack of water bombs, a picnic rug & lots of picnic stuff.

A load of us doctors had a civilised barbecue this evening which devolved into carnage, initially with water fights, but culminating in a rather messy, squeezy tomato ketchup bottle battle.

I've had such a great weekend. I love summer.

Right, time to start reading that book I wanted to try & finish for tomorrow.
It's gonna be a late night...

Fat or Friction

2007-04-13T18:01:00.000+01:00

Great news. I've just heard that a particular gene (or probably technically an "allele") has been discovered which is present in 70% of obese subjects.

Did anyone else hear the sigh of relief wheezed by overweight people all over the country?

I worry that this finding might be used as an excuse for people giving up and not trying to do anything about it...
"It's not my fault, it's m' genes!" mumbles Mr Fat, reaching for his fourth pie of the morning...

Otherwise I've had quite a nice day. The weather's been lovely and sunny & I've been in lectures so haven't actually had to do anything all day! In a break, a few of us even played frisbee outside.

Apparently there's a game called Ultimate Frisbee - team sport, quite serious, league matches and everything. One of the guys today plays it and I swear, I have never seen a frisbee thrown so well! Accurate, smooth regardless of whatever speed it's thrown, glides through the air like a UFO, no wobbling in the slightest... amazing... (well, maybe you had to be there)

I love frisbee. We even took one with us to Morocco and played frisbee in the Sahara!

Remember at school, when the weather was good, teacher would sometimes let you have a lesson outside? Well, I've suggested to the surgeon in the past that we could take all the equipment out with us and operate in the park near the hospital. He said no.

Spoilsport.

Quiz

2007-04-08T13:26:00.000+01:00

Sorry for not posting for a while.

That's partly because I've spent an inordinate amount of time working through this fantastic quiz.

Those of you not applying for a medical career through MTAS are well-advised to try it, just to help you understand the feeling of frustration we are going through with our online application forms.

Plus I think some of the questions are the same.

Happy Eater
- S -

I am...

2007-04-03T19:48:00.000+01:00

How are you? I just spent a nice, relaxing weekend miles away from the runaway train that is MTAS, so I bring you...

Things That Surprised Me In Amsterdam:

1) You don't have to have any involvement with drugs or the sex industry to have a good time in Amsterdam. Yeah, boring I know, but it's a really nice city. It's clean, the architecture is beautiful, there are lots of things to see & do, the restaurants are great, everyone speaks English... and there's this faint smell of something calming wherever you go...

2) The Dutch are the kings of fast food. Pancakes, waffles and best of all, fries with raw onions, ketchup & fritesaus... Meanwhile McDonalds sells the surprisingly tasty McKroket (which seems to just be a Findus Crispy Pancake in a bun).

3) It is true that at Schiphol Airport there is a fly painted onto each urinal so that you have something to aim for! (I got some strange looks checking this)

4) Despite the drugs & the fast food, and the fact that there are usually 6 lanes of traffic to contend with whenever you cross a road (car, tram & cycle lanes in both directions), your average Dutch is incredibly laid back yet can swear fluently about their boss in 4 languages - plus I didn't see an unattractive Dutch woman once (although the hen-night hags effortlessly brought down the average).

5) Walking back to the hotel, I did pass a few red-lit windows (no, I wasn't staying in a dodgy part of town, they're all over Amsterdam) and I reckon someone must be taking the piss - or maybe it's just excellent business-sense, knowing that there's a market for embarrassingly unappealing women to hand your drunken mate over to on an English stag do...

6) The bloke lied when he told me that tickets for the night time Jazz Canal Cruise always sold out - we passengers were outnumbered by the 4-piece jazz band & crew. I didn't mind - unlimited wine, cheese, olives & live Jazz on the beautifully-lit canals. Really cool.

7) I have never felt sorry for a work of art before. But in the Van Gogh Gallery, there's an amazing painting hanging in between the famous portrait of the artist's bedroom on one side and the even-more-famous "Sunflowers" on the other - but in the few minutes I was watching, not one person stopped to look at it. How sad...

8) The menu doesn't tell you everything - I didn't immediately notice that my breakfast pancake was on fire - which was nearly very messy!
(By the way, Grand Marnier burns with a transparent blue flame.)

Hey Jude

2007-03-28T22:22:00.000+01:00

Not a post about the Beatles - although I did see the Bootleg Beatles in concert a few weeks ago. They looked and sounded excellent, they even had Beatles-style banter; I think I laughed a bit too loud when they said "Please turn off your mobile phones... because they haven't been invented yet."

They were much better than the tribute band I was in at school.
This is for several reasons:
- we were called The Beatlets,
- we didn't have any guitars,
- there were only three of us (with one, Indian, singer).
Nevertheless, we still played in Assembly once or twice a term for almost two years!
God knows how I got away with not being bullied more...

Anyway I'm posting really because I'm worried about a friend of mine, who shall remain semi-nameless...

She says she doesn't really read my blog, yet she knows everything on it.
She doesn't have anything to say about it, but often she passes on comments from her friend "Jude".

"Jude" seems to be a big fan and appears to like the blog a lot. Every time I see my friend, "Jude" has said something to her about the most recent post. My friend even made me give her my autograph so that she could "give it to Jude as a present".

Now, I've never met this "Jude" - neither has anyone else I know.

My concern is: is "Jude" real?

Or should I arrange for my friend to receive a visit from the... er... doctors who work in the special building...?

...then we can start to make her better...

Fluid movements

2007-03-27T22:38:00.000+01:00

Sorry there have been no posts for a while (er... would you believe absolutely nothing's happened?)

Yes?

2007-03-22T18:11:00.000Z

I've come across a book...

2007-03-17T23:08:00.000Z

I feel bad that I've slagged off Orthopods in the past, calling them simple creatures.

So I thought I'd give you an insight into the complicated world of Orthopaedic Surgery, thanks to the brilliant book
Advanced Examination Techniques in Orthopaedics.

(My scanner's not working so I've had to take photos - you'll need to click on them to see the picture in its full glory...)

Fig 1.Examination of the elbow

(It's an extraordinary book.)

Fig 2. Flexion of the middle finger

(Written by orthopaedic surgeons)

Fig 3. Abduction of the little finger

(It's carefully tailored to the target audience)

Fig 4. Alignment of the knees

(Examination skills are presented in a way the trainee surgeon can remember)

Fig 5. Flexion of the knee

(The book is exceptionally well illustrated)

Fig 6. Normal heel position when standing on tip-toes

(Very thorough)

What an excellent concept - a textbook that you want to look at!

Which is why I had to give it back to the library - several people have already reserved it... so hard-working these orthopods...

(To see if you've learnt anything, what do you think is being assessed in these two pictures? Answer will follow later...)

Memories

2007-03-16T03:48:00.000Z

Patients do say the oddest things to me.

A while ago, anaesthetising a completely sane, nice old man, he confessed to me, out of the blue:
"...my teeth were taken out by an SS Officer."

I decided not to ask him if this was
- involuntary,
- in one swift movement, or
- over an prolonged period of time and without anaesthetic.

In any case, I assumed he didn't really want to talk about it as it probably wasn't pleasant. (I s'pose theoretically it might've been. Maybe they had really good dental care during the War. Maybe, right, he was developing really bad dental caries from wolfing down all his chocolate ration in one go, yeah, and then maybe a passing Nazi dentist took pity on him and offered to help by... hmmm, who am I kidding...?)

Anyway, just before getting him off to sleep, I told him to think of something nice to dream about.
"I'm going to dream about previous sex" he whispered to me, with a smile.

(shudder) That's a bit creepy.
I just hope that it wasn't from the same period in his life...

Tech-no-blog-y

2007-03-13T23:03:00.000Z

Dammit - after spending ages today getting all the photos ready, the blog website for some reason just isn't letting me put pictures up so I'm afraid there'll be a little wait for my Orthopaedics post.

Meanwhile here's some music.... da da daaa... da daaaa...

I hate being put on hold - either you're forced to listen to some unnecessarily rousing classical cliché like Mozart's Eine Kleine Knackeredmusik, or something that's meant to be calming but actually miserable like James Blunt ("Goodbye Mike Glover" - no wonder he left). I'd rather pay to listen to silence.

Sometimes it's amusing when you can still hear them in the background ('ere Tracy, do we have "Doctor A. Andy Department" here?) but sooner or later you find yourself shouting down the phone at them.

But the worst thing is the jarring, half-arsed monophonic rendition of Greensleeves that they used to have on Kingston Hospital switchboard, the one that sounds like a demo on a very very old Casio keyboard; it's like listening to a Spectrum/C64/Amstrad 464 load.

What's that, you might ask?
- well little one, in the olden days, before the Internet, games would take at least 15 minutes to load (although you can now blue-tooth-wi-fi-zapbeam the same amount of data to your iToaster in a fraction of a second), the "computer" used to make a horrid whining noise in the process, and you'd often have to turn the cassette over halfway through.
What's a cassette? (sigh)...

Either way, hold music does my head in.

Or maybe that's just a ploy to get the caller to hang up...
ah cunning... I wonder if the 999 people have worked that out...?