Terms & Conditions

Merry Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Winterval/Bank Holiday Monday!

Here are some interesting diagnoses & descriptions that you might not have heard before, as used in patients' notes.

Make sure you're sitting comfortably 'cos this is a long list! Enjoy!

love & hugs
-Suman-
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Acute Lead Poisoning - Gunshot wound (also High Velocity Lead Poisoning)
Acute Gravity Attack - Fell over
Ash Cash - money for signing cremation forms; therefore...
Ash Point - Bereavement Office
Assuming Room Temperature - Dead

Babygram - X-raying a newborn
Bury the Hatchet - accidently leave a surgical instrument inside a patient
BVA - Breathing Valuable Air
BWCO - Baby Won't Come Out (needs Caesarean)

Celestial Transfer / Transferred to the Eternal Care Unit (ECU) - died
Cephosplat - antibiotic Domestos
CFT - Chronic Food Toxicity (obesity)
Cheerioma - a patient with a highly aggressive, malignant tumour
Cold-tea sign - refers to the several cups of cold tea on the bedside cabinet beside a dead geriatric (i.e. no-one noticed the patient had died)
COPD - Chronic Old Persons Disease (unwell, no specific cause)

Dagenham - (psych) Severely disturbed, i.e. 3 stops beyond Barking
DBI - Dirt Bag Index (no. of tattoos x no. of missing teeth = days since the patient last bathed)
Dermaholiday - one of the less intensive clinical specialties...
DILF - nursing slang for good-looking doctor
Donorcycle - Motorbike
Double blind trial - two orthopaedic surgeons looking at an ECG
Doughnut - CT scanner
DTS - Danger To Shipping (in a particularly large patient's records)

ERCP - Emergency Retrograde Clerking of Patient (an emergency catch-up procedure before the consultant rounds)

Faecal Encephalopathy - Sh*t for brains
FDSTW - Found Dead Stayed That Way
Failed Impact Resistance test - Crash victim
Failure to Fly - Attempted suicide
FLK w/ GLM - Funny Looking Kid with a Good Looking Mother
Freud squad - Psychiatrists
FUBAR - Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition

Gassers - Anaesthetists, as in gassers and slashers
God's Waiting Room - Intensive Care Unit or Geriatric Unit
Granny Dumping - dumping elderly relative in A&E; often happens just before Christmas or family holiday, aka the hospital granny-sitting service

Handbag positive - Confused patient (usu. elderly lady) lying on hospital bed clutching handbag
Hepatology Conference - Meeting in the pub (no late appointments, I'm going to a hepatology conference)
Hi 5 - HIV positive ("V" being the Roman numeral 5)
House red - Blood

Inbreds - Doctors whose parents are also doctors
Insurance Whiplash - Neck pain secondary to a very minor car bump

JLD - Just Like Dad (which is often the explanation for FLK w/ GLM)
Journal of Anecdotal Medicine - the source to quote for less than evidence-based medical 'facts'

LFTWM - Looking For 3 Wise Men (applied to young pregnant females who deny having had intercourse)

MCBP - Member of the College of Bystander Physicians (i.e. passing doctor having a look-see)
MFI - a very large myocardial infarction
MICO - Masterly Inactivity and Catlike Observation
MICOS - Masterly Inactivity, Catlike Observation and Steroids
Mushroom Syndrome - suffered by lowly medics who are kept in the dark and have crap piled on them

n=1 trial - a polite term for experimenting on a patient
Negative Wallet Biopsy - (US) patient transferred to cheaper hospital after discovering he has no insurance
NFN - Normal (for Norfolk)
NKDA - Not known, didn’t ask
NLPR - No Long-Playing Records (dying)

O-sign - patient unconscious with mouth open
Obecalp - a placebo drug
Ostrich Treatment - pretend it's not there and hope it goes away

Paninvestigram - order ALL the tests (for when you haven't got a clue what's going on )
PFO - Pissed, Fell Over
Parentectomy - often the most effective cure for a child's problems
Pathology outpatients - dead
Percussive maintenance - the sharp tap/bang which cures faulty equipment
Pillow Therapy - describes the urge to smother annoying patient (also Aggressive Euthanasia)
PITA - Pain In The Ass
Policeman Lesion - abnormality on an X-ray so obvious that a policeman would spot it
PVC Challenge - to intubate someone

Q-sign - patient unconscious with mouth open and tongue hanging out; Dotted Q means flies landing on tongue, i.e. dead

Rapid Lead Infusion - obnoxious patient ought to be shot
Retrospectoscope - instrument of hindsight
Rule of Five - if more than five of the patient's orifices are obscured by tubing, he has no chance

Samsonite Positive - someone who comes to hospital in an 'emergency' but has brought all their luggage (& insists on being admitted to a ward)
Scepticaemia - what doctors develop with experience
September Club - the students who have to return early after summer holidays for exam retakes
Smellybridge - perineum
SOLOMF YOYO - So long, mother-f*****, you're on your own

Tash Test - rather insensitive sign initially thought to be predictive of HIV status
TEETH - Tried Everything Else, Try Homeopathy
TF BUNDY - Totally Fucked, But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet
TFTB - Too Fat To Breathe
TLA - Three-Letter Acronym; used repeatedly by acronymophiliacs
TMB - Too Many Birthdays (old age)
Trans-occipital implant - bullet wound to the head
TTFO - Told To Fuck Off (when a doctor in court was asked about TTFO in his notes, he quick-wittedly replied that it stood for "To Take Fluids Orally")
TUBE - Totally Unnecessary Breast Examination

UBI - Unexplained Beer Injury (usually discovered on a Sunday morning )
Unclear medicine - nuclear medicine

Vitamin H - Haloperidol
Vitamin P - Frusemide
VTMK - Voice To Melt Knickers (the voice deliberately cultivated by some doctors...)

Whopper with Cheese - Obese female with vaginal thrush
Woolworth's Test - if you can imagine patient shopping in Woolworth's, it's safe to give them a general anaesthetic

Zebra - an unusually strange or unexpected disease (from the saying "When you hear hoofbeats, the smart money is on horses, not zebras")


Plus there are lots of ways of expressing the most important diagnosis...

Lignocephalic (wooden-headed)
Low marble count
Microdeckia (patient playing with less that a full deck)
Mononeuronis Asynapsis (one neuron, not connected)
Oligoneuronal (few brain cells)
Plank Positive
Pneumocephalic (air-headed)
CNS QNS - Central nervous system: quantity not sufficient
EDGATWTTTF - Elevator Doesn't Go All The Way To The Top Floor
ERNOBW - Engine Running, No One Behind the Wheel

Finally, one for vets:
CSTO - Cat Smarter Than Owner