Shirts

Speaking of mistaken identity...

Last Thursday, I wore a blue short-sleeved shirt and black trousers into work. Normally, I get changed into my pyjamas theatre scrubs before I visit my patients, so it doesn't matter what I wear (within reason - they won't let me wear a black cloak again... actually, it was the scythe that the Board deemed "inappropriate"...)

It was only when I got in and faced five uniformed hospital porters walking towards me in the corridor that I realised that I was wearing the same as them.
Comedy ensued.

"You the new guy? Come with us. Outbreak" said one of them to me gruffly. His skin was more tattooed than not and I'm convinced he could've crushed my skull with one hand if I'd argued. So I thought I might as well give them a hand and explain afterwards.

Overnight, half the patients on one ward had contracted some nasty virus that expelled anything they'd recently eaten rapidly out of the nearest available orifice; our job was to move the unaffected patients to another ward.

I wheeled my patient (a confused Polish lady who kept asking if I was her son)in her bed to the opposite end of the hospital. Then, as I was leaving the ward, a nurse asked me to take an urgent stool sample to the lab. Then at the lab they asked me to take 8 units of blood to the emergency theatre - apparently the op was going disastrously wrong.

Turns out the intimidating theatre sister thought the new porter standing lost in the corridor was a surgeon - he thought he might as well give them a hand and explain afterwards.



The court hearing's in a few weeks.

(What should I wear?)

Fake Myspace - UPDATE

The imposters have been dealt with - oh yes, they have been terminated...

(Just goes to show you should never mess with doctors - we have access to sharp things and very powerful drugs...)

Might as well set up our own official site then:
www.myspace.com/theamateurtransplants

Add us to your "friends". If you don't have a Myspace account, then go and sign up. I want us to have more friends than the imposters did.

By the end of this week.

myfakes

Following on from the Imposter blog entry over on the main Amateur Transplants website...


There's something scary about hearing your own voice coming out of the mouth of some random kid

Or knowing that people spent time and effort making mental animations when they could be... I dunno... interacting with real people...

(And as for this? What the.... ?)


But that's fine. After all, Tim from Bloggerheads made this excellent animation for backingblair.com as soon as the song came out - then they had to remove it 'cos their site kept getting overloaded with traffic. And complaints.


On the other hand, I'm not sure what to do about the person/s pretending to actually be Adam & me on Myspace - but I have a cunning* plan...


*(NB: that's "cunning" as in "insanely ridiculous")

Flowers

I was driving back from work today and I thought it would be nice to buy some flowers for my girlfriend.


Now, before you start, let me just point some things out:

- I wasn't feeling guilty about anything

- I didn't need to apologise for something

- I wasn't going to beg her for a threesome again

- I wasn't trying to butter her up (see above)


I just thought it would be nice and would make her happy.


So I pulled up at an florist - one of those big ones which also sells petrol, charcoal briquettes and porn - and had a look round. I spotted a beautiful bunch of 8 pink roses. Pink roses symbolise appreciation and gratitude. I thought that these would be a nice way of showing I care.

(Plus all the others were wilting and these ones were only four quid.)

Done.

I lay them carefully across the passenger seat next to me so I could make sure they would be protected for the drive home. The journey takes an hour, which coincidentally was just enough time to pick off almost 50% of the price sticker on the plastic wrapping (don't get me started on stickers that don't come off without a fight...). I got the top layer off, with all the writing & the price printed on it - but was left with an ugly, almost square, sticky white patch on the plastic.
It'll have to do.

When I got to Sarah's road, I pulled over for a minute to practice something Hugh Grant-y to say, then parked outside hers.


She opened the door and I humbly presented the roses to her.

Her face lit up & she gave me a you're-a-fantastic-boyfriend hug.

"Aw, you even got me the easy-to-look-after ones - thank you"
Hey - extra points for me without even trying. I AM the best.

I was just about to ask what she meant when I registered that there was a bead of water on the petals on the middle rose which had been in exactly the same position when I first picked up the flowers. The flowers which, come to think of it, looked perfect, almost unreal...

I managed to buy plastic flowers without noticing.

Bollocks.


Oh well. At least these ones should last longer.
I still reckon she could kill them though...

Dead mouse

So I was quite surprised to see a dead mouse in my loo.

It was white & quite fluffy but ragged-looking and water-laden.
It had a long thin tail floating up to the surface of the water. I could see there was blood in there too.

I stared at it for a while. Meanwhile it did nothing. Obviously.

I couldn't decide what to do with it. I didn't want to fish it out and bury it. But I wasn't sure if it was entirely appropriate to flush it. Having said that I had to do something soon. I didn't really think it would be right to wee on it.

I tried to think of how it had got there. Sarah had been to the loo less than an hour ago, so it must've fallen in quite recently. God knows how, I've never seen any mice in this area, let alone had any in the house. And for one to try and drown itself... how bizarre.

I called Sarah in from the other room to see if she had any thoughts.

She swore, flushed the loo and kicked me out of the bathroom saying she needed to change her tampon again.


Women and their periods, eh?

Bastoncini di Pesce

I'm back from Sardinia - browner, rounder and sporting a prize-winning mohawk. Did you miss me? Aw, bless...

Had a totally funtabulous time there - lots of watersports (no, actual watersports), volleyball, waterpolo, etc. but all my genuine attempts to be healthy were savagely scuppered by the evil that was.... The Buffet.


You know how when you suck your stomach in you can look a bit thinner? I am no longer physically able to do that, there just isn't room.


As I've said before, I consider All-You-Can-Eat more like a challenge than an offer. When I want to, I can eat a phenomenal amount. There was a vast array of different foods available, pizza, pasta, lots of different meat & vegatable dishes, breads & salamis, enormous salad bar... all heading inevitably Sumanwards like space mice in a Black Hole. Or something...


All very, very tasty - yum yum yum yum yum. I'm ashamed to say though, the thing I enjoyed the most though was the Bastoncini di Pesce.

Ho hum...

myspace? myarse

International hackers have broken through myspace's intricate security systems and poked around the myspace site.

As a result, that site is temporarily offline. Meanwhile, you can direct your friends to sign up to www.myspace.com/theamateurtransplants for now.

More updates on it soon. I have to fly to Russia and sort out these cyberterrorists now... typical...

Exams suck

If you're going through exams at the moment, you'll be fully aware that exams are evil beasts.
Having recently been unsuccessful, I did the obvious thing.

I shaved my head.


There may be blog-silence for a week as I'll be on a beach (with a burnt scalp, no doubt) but will have stories of larks aplenty on my return.

Good luck
(and unlike me, hopefully your examiner won't be the person who wrote the textbook)