Christmas, Post-

So Christmas has come & gone; on-call for Maternity went well (ie. no-one insisted on calling their child "Jesus")












And for once, the traditional present-swapping fiasco was fairly successful all round.

I got:
- 9 books (7 humour, 1 serious and 1 Edward Monkton, ie both)
- several horrific stripy shirts (well done Mum for keeping the receipts)
- some very smart clothes from my bro (who got a cooking set from me - each of us looking after the others' area of deficiency)
- a Groove Glove, from one of my Consultants (I don't know which is more disturbing, that he thought it would be suitable for me or that I love it!)

The presents I bought were well received too (I got my brother a signed print from the excellent cartoon site Perry Bible Fellowship and I got Adam a Dance Dance Revolution game & mat for his PC.)

But Mum outdid us all by getting Sarah one of these incredible bags (makes up for the autobiography of Mother Theresa that Mum got me a few years back.)

Most importantly we all had several relaxed, quality family days together.


But sod that; next step - buy everything in THE SALES!!
(My brother & I have already spent 3 hours in Fopp earlier this week! Woohoo!)

Terms & Conditions

Merry Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Winterval/Bank Holiday Monday!

Here are some interesting diagnoses & descriptions that you might not have heard before, as used in patients' notes.

Make sure you're sitting comfortably 'cos this is a long list! Enjoy!

love & hugs
-Suman-
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Acute Lead Poisoning - Gunshot wound (also High Velocity Lead Poisoning)
Acute Gravity Attack - Fell over
Ash Cash - money for signing cremation forms; therefore...
Ash Point - Bereavement Office
Assuming Room Temperature - Dead

Babygram - X-raying a newborn
Bury the Hatchet - accidently leave a surgical instrument inside a patient
BVA - Breathing Valuable Air
BWCO - Baby Won't Come Out (needs Caesarean)

Celestial Transfer / Transferred to the Eternal Care Unit (ECU) - died
Cephosplat - antibiotic Domestos
CFT - Chronic Food Toxicity (obesity)
Cheerioma - a patient with a highly aggressive, malignant tumour
Cold-tea sign - refers to the several cups of cold tea on the bedside cabinet beside a dead geriatric (i.e. no-one noticed the patient had died)
COPD - Chronic Old Persons Disease (unwell, no specific cause)

Dagenham - (psych) Severely disturbed, i.e. 3 stops beyond Barking
DBI - Dirt Bag Index (no. of tattoos x no. of missing teeth = days since the patient last bathed)
Dermaholiday - one of the less intensive clinical specialties...
DILF - nursing slang for good-looking doctor
Donorcycle - Motorbike
Double blind trial - two orthopaedic surgeons looking at an ECG
Doughnut - CT scanner
DTS - Danger To Shipping (in a particularly large patient's records)

ERCP - Emergency Retrograde Clerking of Patient (an emergency catch-up procedure before the consultant rounds)

Faecal Encephalopathy - Sh*t for brains
FDSTW - Found Dead Stayed That Way
Failed Impact Resistance test - Crash victim
Failure to Fly - Attempted suicide
FLK w/ GLM - Funny Looking Kid with a Good Looking Mother
Freud squad - Psychiatrists
FUBAR - Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition

Gassers - Anaesthetists, as in gassers and slashers
God's Waiting Room - Intensive Care Unit or Geriatric Unit
Granny Dumping - dumping elderly relative in A&E; often happens just before Christmas or family holiday, aka the hospital granny-sitting service

Handbag positive - Confused patient (usu. elderly lady) lying on hospital bed clutching handbag
Hepatology Conference - Meeting in the pub (no late appointments, I'm going to a hepatology conference)
Hi 5 - HIV positive ("V" being the Roman numeral 5)
House red - Blood

Inbreds - Doctors whose parents are also doctors
Insurance Whiplash - Neck pain secondary to a very minor car bump

JLD - Just Like Dad (which is often the explanation for FLK w/ GLM)
Journal of Anecdotal Medicine - the source to quote for less than evidence-based medical 'facts'

LFTWM - Looking For 3 Wise Men (applied to young pregnant females who deny having had intercourse)

MCBP - Member of the College of Bystander Physicians (i.e. passing doctor having a look-see)
MFI - a very large myocardial infarction
MICO - Masterly Inactivity and Catlike Observation
MICOS - Masterly Inactivity, Catlike Observation and Steroids
Mushroom Syndrome - suffered by lowly medics who are kept in the dark and have crap piled on them

n=1 trial - a polite term for experimenting on a patient
Negative Wallet Biopsy - (US) patient transferred to cheaper hospital after discovering he has no insurance
NFN - Normal (for Norfolk)
NKDA - Not known, didn’t ask
NLPR - No Long-Playing Records (dying)

O-sign - patient unconscious with mouth open
Obecalp - a placebo drug
Ostrich Treatment - pretend it's not there and hope it goes away

Paninvestigram - order ALL the tests (for when you haven't got a clue what's going on )
PFO - Pissed, Fell Over
Parentectomy - often the most effective cure for a child's problems
Pathology outpatients - dead
Percussive maintenance - the sharp tap/bang which cures faulty equipment
Pillow Therapy - describes the urge to smother annoying patient (also Aggressive Euthanasia)
PITA - Pain In The Ass
Policeman Lesion - abnormality on an X-ray so obvious that a policeman would spot it
PVC Challenge - to intubate someone

Q-sign - patient unconscious with mouth open and tongue hanging out; Dotted Q means flies landing on tongue, i.e. dead

Rapid Lead Infusion - obnoxious patient ought to be shot
Retrospectoscope - instrument of hindsight
Rule of Five - if more than five of the patient's orifices are obscured by tubing, he has no chance

Samsonite Positive - someone who comes to hospital in an 'emergency' but has brought all their luggage (& insists on being admitted to a ward)
Scepticaemia - what doctors develop with experience
September Club - the students who have to return early after summer holidays for exam retakes
Smellybridge - perineum
SOLOMF YOYO - So long, mother-f*****, you're on your own

Tash Test - rather insensitive sign initially thought to be predictive of HIV status
TEETH - Tried Everything Else, Try Homeopathy
TF BUNDY - Totally Fucked, But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet
TFTB - Too Fat To Breathe
TLA - Three-Letter Acronym; used repeatedly by acronymophiliacs
TMB - Too Many Birthdays (old age)
Trans-occipital implant - bullet wound to the head
TTFO - Told To Fuck Off (when a doctor in court was asked about TTFO in his notes, he quick-wittedly replied that it stood for "To Take Fluids Orally")
TUBE - Totally Unnecessary Breast Examination

UBI - Unexplained Beer Injury (usually discovered on a Sunday morning )
Unclear medicine - nuclear medicine

Vitamin H - Haloperidol
Vitamin P - Frusemide
VTMK - Voice To Melt Knickers (the voice deliberately cultivated by some doctors...)

Whopper with Cheese - Obese female with vaginal thrush
Woolworth's Test - if you can imagine patient shopping in Woolworth's, it's safe to give them a general anaesthetic

Zebra - an unusually strange or unexpected disease (from the saying "When you hear hoofbeats, the smart money is on horses, not zebras")


Plus there are lots of ways of expressing the most important diagnosis...

Lignocephalic (wooden-headed)
Low marble count
Microdeckia (patient playing with less that a full deck)
Mononeuronis Asynapsis (one neuron, not connected)
Oligoneuronal (few brain cells)
Plank Positive
Pneumocephalic (air-headed)
CNS QNS - Central nervous system: quantity not sufficient
EDGATWTTTF - Elevator Doesn't Go All The Way To The Top Floor
ERNOBW - Engine Running, No One Behind the Wheel

Finally, one for vets:
CSTO - Cat Smarter Than Owner

12 Days of Christmas

Here's a little present for you - be warned, you will not stop be able to stop singing it to yourself (in the accent)!



I've got something else for you too, but I'll post that on Christmas Day...

ttfn
- S -

A Magical Journey (by Suman aged 28 ¾)

The Story:

Once upon a time there was a shoe called Righty. His best friend was Lefty and they went everywhere together. One evening, after dark, they went out to a place with sounds and bright lights and they danced and had a great time.

When they were tired from dancing, they went into a quiet room and had a rest under a table. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a magical door appeared next to Righty and a wizard popped his head through.

"Hallo Righty!" said the wizard. He had white hair and a long white beard, and he was wearing purple robes and a pointy hat, and they were covered in lots of twinkly stars.

"How did you know my name?" said Righty, who was very surprised to see him.

"It's Magic!" replied the wizard, with a grin. "Would you like to come on an adventure with me?"

"Wow!" said Righty. He had always wanted to go on an adventure! Usually he and Lefty went round & round the same places every day until they back home to sleep.

"Can Lefty come with me?" he asked. Lefty was having a little snooze and didn't know the wizard was there.

"No" said the wizard "Only one of you can come with me on this adventure, otherwise it's too dangerous."

"Why?" asked Righty. "Where will we go?"

"We are going to see dragons and mountains and magical rivers and faraway places and lots of amazing things"" Righty was very excited. But he didn't want to leave Lefty. He always felt safe when they were together. He had never been anywhere on his own.

"I am a wizard". Said the wizard. "You can trust me. Look!" And he opened the door. Behind the wizard, Righty could see a magical land with mountains and streams, and orange and purple skies and fluffy pink clouds.

The wizard waved his magic wand and a flying carpet appeared out of thin air!

"We don't even have to walk" said the wizard, "we can fly everywhere. Do come with me Righty, I would like to have a friend with me."

Righty was proud that the wizard called him his friend. "OK" he said, "but I have to tell Lefty."

"There is no time" said the wizard, "but after our adventure I will bring you back here and you can tell Lefty all about it."

Righty wasn't sure. But he looked at the wizard and could tell that he could trust him.

So he hopped through the door and joined the wizard on the magic carpet.

And what an amazing adventure they had!


- - - THE END - - -

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The reality:

I went to a club on Friday night. Sat down on a sofa in the chillout room, took my shoes off and put them under the little table in front of me. Half an hour later, I notice one of them's missing. I assume it's been kicked away by accident.
So I look everywhere, under the sofas, other rooms, ask the club staff, even looked in the street outside the club & rang back the next day - nothing.

I ended up with a cold, soaking wet right foot by the time I got home.

All because some cunt nicked my shoe.
For a laugh.


I hope Righty's gone to a better place. I'll miss you...

You too?

I've been to HMV twice to get Christmas presents, DVDs which it turns out they didn't stock.

Both times, they were playing I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For...


Spooky...

Berried Alive

With less than two weeks before the big anticlimax day, I think it's nice to see Christmas decorations wherever you go.

But I don't agree with shops that have continuously thrown Christmas at you since September.
Or those that force the staff to dress up (Anne Summers are making all their staff wear little red Santa dresses - they look rather good on the younger shop girls, but on the post-menopausal ladies... well, I felt sick...)

A hospital can be a miserable place and I reckon decorations can make it look a lot nicer (when done in moderation).

But why did some fuckwit think it would be a good idea to cover the Acute Medical Ward at my hospital with mistletoe? A room full of very sick people. Filled with poisonous berries?

There are suicidal patients recovering from drug overdoses there - you might as well hand them a Morrissey CD & some razor blades and say "Have you tried cutting lengthways?"

And anyway, why would you want to kiss ANYONE on that ward?!? *





* have you SEEN the nurses? ugh...

b'dum DSH

I've seen many patients who have harmed themselves on purpose, and I'm aware that we as medics are perhaps not as compassionate as we should be with them and with mental illness.

But let's not even go there.

I want to complain about stupid people.

The ones who have got through their life so far by pure fluke - the Darwin-dodgers who are guaranteed, some day, to lose their life in a totally avoidable way. On a technicality, Gloria Gaynor's song is not for you - you won't survive.

Some people just don't register quite how ridiculous they are - eg. when I was doing my Paediatrics elective in Canada, I talked to the parents of a little boy with possible cardiac problems and asked them "Has anyone in the family ever had any heart problems?" "No" was the definite reply.
But I'd noticed when his dad (clumsily) took off his jumper that he had a scar down the middle of his chest.
"I needed a heart transplant a few years ago" he told me. "Oh wait, does that count?"


I was recently called to see a man with lifelong severe asthma. He had an attack after he took his regular blood pressure medication that night. I looked at the box - instead of giving him his repeat prescription, the pharmacist had somehow made a (potentially lethal) mistake and given him aspirin, a potent trigger which every brittle asthmatic knows to avoid. Inexcusable error.

But what worries me is that the patient:

- realised that this tablet was in a completely different box to usual
(a box which had "Aspirin" written on it on all 6 sides)
- realised that this tablet was a different colour to usual
- realised that this tablet was bigger than usual
(he'd examined it carefully but somehow missed "Aspirin" embossed on it)
- realised that this tablet started frothing when he put it on his tongue
(oh yes, it was a soluble aspirin folks)
and yet despite the nagging suspicion that something was definitely wrong with this tablet,
HE SWALLOWED IT ANYWAY!

It wasn't a fear thing, or a faith-in-the-medical-profession thing.
It was a dumb thing.
I had to stop myself from rolling up a newspaper and tapping him on the head with it saying "No!"

Anyway, he survived.



This time...

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There was a teenager in her fourth pregnancy who had severe pain & vomiting.
She wouldn't let anyone put in a drip for painkillers/anti-sickness meds.
Because having a needle hurt.
This was a girl who had gone through childbirth several times.

GET SOME PERSPECTIVE!
(and some condoms)

(BONUS: Feel free to insert your own "not afraid of a little prick" joke here)

Christmas Presence

I think I may have already spoilt Christmas.

The thing I enjoy most about Christmas is choosing & buying presents for everyone. Unfortunately I managed to get everyone's in under half an hour. Fun's over.

Within 5 minutes of getting to the shops, I was heading back to drop off half a dozen bags in the car.


One thing I got Sarah was this microwaveable duck:

This is Ian.

(Say hello)







Ian is gay.



And he's just like a hot water bottle, but without the water. Or being a bottle.

He's been named Ian because pretty much EVERY Ian either of us has ever met in our entire lives has been a gay. Fact.

Look at him. That is not a straight duck.


Moving on... as for my brother's present, he & I always find that there's lots of stuff we want to get for ourselves, so I'm just waiting to hear what's on his list & we'll swap.

So that just leaves Adam.

We agreed to get each other something "a bit different" for under 20 quid.
Don't wanna get him a book or a T-shirt.
I have a few ideas but nothing brilliant.

Any suggestions?

re:Assuring

I just told Sarah I'm a bit worried about passing tomorrow's exam.

"According to Copenhagen Interpretation of quantum theory" she says, "you will both pass and fail, and you won't know which until you open the results envelope."

Eh?
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Go and see The Prestige .
It's an amazing, extraordinary film.

(But it might inspire your girlfriend to talk bollocks.)

Torniquet

Seeing as the previous video isn't working, have this one instead:



And if you've seen the original before, this version's far better for several reasons...

Bill Hicks

Rare performance - no swearing



But still genius.

(EDIT - and not working, sorry!)