HRBN

Just got back from the local shops
(sorry I should've asked, did you need anything?).

Too lazy to make lunch; bought a jacket potato from the 'Tater Gallery' stall. Spudmonger asks "D'ya want butter?"

"Just a little" I reply. So he opens up one packet of butter and puts it in, opens up another one and puts that in, then he asks me "D'ya want a bit more?"

"No. How about a bit less?"


I bet he's one of those people who, when his doctor asks if he smokes, replies
"No." 3-second pause. "Not really."
When what he meant to say really was:

"Fuck yes, continuously, sometimes two or three at a time. And I get through half a dozen when I'm sleeping too."


As I left, I overheard the next guy ask for "loads of butter."

He's probably in A&E by now...

Pain in the neck

I was working on Saturday night, so I got a few hours sleep on Sunday morning before I drove to London for a family friend's wedding. Must've slept badly because by the time I got there I had a really sore neck. I asked my Mum if she had any painkillers in her handbag but she didn't.

But the bride was a doctor. As were her parents. As were almost half of the guests (must be a genetic thing). So I asked around - particularly GPs and people using walking sticks - if anyone had anything to take away the pain. I must've seemed like such a junkie... or disgruntled ex-boyfriend.

In a room of about 300 people, NOT ONE person I asked had any painkillers on them.

What are the odds? ^*

I already keep a face-mask in my car boot (imagine having to give mouth-to-mouth to someone on the street and they smell dodgy!).
To that I shall add painkillers, just in case.

Better stay on the safe side, I'll keep a scalpel too.


( ^*figure of speech, not an actual maths question)

Appropriate

A few days ago, I was on the Tube listening to my mp3 player.

(As in - I was making a journey by Tube and had my mp3 player with me - it's not like I wanted to listen to music and thought the best place to do it was on the Underground. That'd be dumb.)

I'd stuck on a load of tracks from my PC at random - rock, pop, metal, classical, etc - and it was on shuffle. As you might expecct, I skipped a lot of the tracks.

Anyway, as the train went straight through Regent's Park Station which was closed for repairs, the mp3 player started playing "This Train Don't Stop Here Anymore". Freaky.

Reminded me of the first time I anaesthetised someone:

The radio was playing "I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight".

Popular

Last Thursday The Daily Telegraph published an article about Amateur Transplants and Sheila's Wheels.

A few weeks earlier, we were written about in Dazed & Confused magazine.

I've been interviewed by Eastern Eye newspaper ("The voice of British Asians" apparently).

The boss of the big company that my friend works for has "London Underground" as his ringtone.

We've been played on Kerrang FM, Kiss FM, BBC Radio five live & Radio Jackie, as well as regularly being the last song of the night at Walkabouts across the country.



Which makes me wonder - who exactly is our target audience?

Articulated

More videos.

I wonder how common this condition really is...?
Video clip from House
(I've updated the link but there's a NSFW banner on the page)

And Mr Laurie, almost 20 years earlier...


He hasn't changed a bit... um...

The World

The Beatles wish that they had written "Twist & Shout" themselves.

I wish I'd written this one...

Holly (2)

I have never laughed so much.

Not from yesterday's lame pussy joke (snigger) - but because I finally got some more batteries for the laser pointer.

Holly's less than a year old, still a kitten, so she isn't allowed out 'cos she WILL get run over. On the few occasions that she's legged it out of the front door, she tends to run under cars. Thankfully they've been stationary so far but it makes me sick to think of what could happen if she tries to outwit a moving vehicle. To put it into perspective, she gets beaten up by Claire's hamster (again not a euphemism). Holly chases insects which aren't there. And she runs into the patio door. Often.

Anyway, laser pointer. Holly LOVES chasing the red dot. And I'm not exaggerating - she is so determined to catch it. She puts so much energy into it and doesn't give up. It's impressive how long she can chase it for. I can get her whizzing up & down the lounge for ages. Usually I have to stop first because I'm crying with laughter.

I'm not really teasing her. When I stop waving the pointer around, she nags me (well, my ankles) until the dot reappears so I know Holly enjoys dot-chasing. It's the only proper exercise she gets - she's allowed into the back garden (because she hasn't worked out how to climb the fence yet) but that's tiny.

Admittedly maybe I shouldn't be getting her to spin round in circles til she falls over...

Holly

Sarah wants me tell you about her housemate's cat, Holly.

But without using the phrase "stroking Claire's pussy".

Not fair.

(sulk)

Night watch

I was on-call for the Maternity Unit last night.

The midwives tend to watch movies in the coffee room to stay awake when there's nothing going on.

At 5am, after I did an epidural, I popped in and saw which DVDs they'd been watching: The Omen, Constantine & Rosemary's Baby.

Obviously I'm not saying midwives are devil-worshippers.

I'll leave you to decide...

Good buy

I've had a few incidents in shops this week...

1) Hospital shop.
One of those places run by volunteers ie. elderly widows, usually closer to death than most of the patients. I fancied a non-fizzy drink so I got a bottle of flavoured water from the fridge (to keep things anonymous let's call it "Vulvic") & took it to the counter:

- That'll be 94p please. It's disgusting.
= 'scuse me?
- It's terrible. It really is.
= What is?
- How can they charge so much for a bottle of water. I wish I didn't have to take so much money from you, young man. I'm really sorry but there's nothing I can do about it.

I was stunned - such poor sales technique.
I went back later & nicked one when she wasn't looking. I think it's what she would've wanted.



2) Card shop.
A mate of mine recently announced his engagement. I tried to find a realistic card, but they don't make any which mention pregnancy, biological clocks or disappointment; they only had ones which were pastel or silver, all teddy bears & hearts - what's that got to do with weddings?

In the end, I found one with an arguing couple on the front, so I took it to the counter. Two chavvy salesgirls were there nattering, one was chewing her hair, the other looked like she was counting her nails.

- That's one ninety-nine please. My arse is really sore.

I stared blankly at her as she got my change. Her mate answered before I could give any advice. Just as well I s'pose.



3) Clothes.
I've discovered a great new game if the shop assistant working the till looks a bit, well, simple. Find something not for sale & take it to the counter. And wait.

First they look EVERYWHERE for a price tag. Only then do they get properly confused. Usually they then open their mouth to try and say something, but nothing comes out. After that they go and check with the manager. Finally they come back and say:

- I'm sorry, but my manager says it's not for sale. Do you want a store card?

I find this works best with mirrors, chairs and display dummies.



Shame - I really want a t-shirt with "SALE" written on it.

It's August

Lots of newly-qualified doctors start work this month.



You might want to stay as healthy as possible for the forseeable future...

Micro

Yesterday at work, I had a microwaveable curry (the hospital canteen is closed at night - you have to either bring something in from home or eat pies from a vending machine that just so happens to be situated next to the mortuary...)

Anyway, the curry came with a "mini chicken satay".















Cor, they weren't exaggerating, were they... ?

Sunday Papers

Today's headline on the front page of the News Of The World is that Ian Huntley confesses to strangling one of the schoolgirls.

Whereas today's Mail On Sunday has a free CD by...







Oops.

Bummer

Here's a bit of advice for all the brand-new doctors who started work this week -

when you write in your patient's medical records, don't abbreviate the word "analgesia".

Messy...

Absence

OK, OK, so I haven't updated the blog for ages. I can explain.

Lots of little things have happened which maybe I could have posted... but you deserve better, so I held off until there was something worth waiting for.

The more I waited, the more interesting and entertaining my next post HAD to be.

And now it's spiralled out of control.


I suppose I could've followed on from the seagull thing I mentioned before (several of my colleagues have been attacked now; interestingly I've discovered that seagulls hover above their victims & produce a seven-"Caw" pattern to alert the rest of the group to a potential target. I don't generally hang around long enough to find out what happens next... having said that, one of the A&E nurses has gone missing...)

It's tempting to regale you with some of the hil-ar-ious things that my girlfriend says & does - such as one night while we were sleeping - I rolled over to give her a cuddle, she woke up violently screaming "Who the fuck are you!". This was followed by a rather embarrassed silence as we stared at each other... (thankfully she got it right - albeit on the third guess)

Perhaps an update on Adam's live shows: the London ones went very well. Tried out lots of our new songs and the audience loved them. Edinburgh tickets are selling fast (so if you want to go, you had better get a wiggle on, hadn't you?)

Maybe I could have shared with you some of my newly-learnt medical facts (eg we humans tend to breathe through only one nostril at a time, alternating which one every hour or so. Apparently.)

Or maybe I could have tugged at your very soul with my experiences in this fine doctoring profession; of dealing with both bringing new life into this world, but also trying to make life more comfortable for those who are reaching the end.


But no. I didn't post anything at all.
I'm a such a tease.


To compensate:














here's a picture I took on my phone. Just for you.


We're even now.

Next post in a day or two...
-Suman-